I guess this is growing up.

I work 8am-2pm in an office, wearing business casual clothes and heels.

I am tired. all.the.time.

I drink coffee.

I save money.

I'm preparing to move out in August.

I'm taking out loans.

I have to work out, or else I will get fat.

I'm a sophomore in COLLEGE !

When did all this happen?

This is not at all how I pictured 19 to be. But that's okay.

two-thousand-ten

Welp, it's a new year, and to be honest, I couldn't be happier.

Although 2009 was good and taught me A LOT, I'm so excited to step into this new year. I'm beginning it with a clean slate. I've spent the past few weeks reflecting on 2009, the lessons I learned, the people I met, the fun I had, the memories I made and the ones I tried to erase. I began to make a list of things that I need to do, that I want to do and things that I will never do again. Needless to say, I feel as if I'm going into this new year with a smarter outlook on life. I've learned, I've matured and I've grown to see the things I missed before.

I remember where my focus was this time last year, and I remember the events that followed and led me sprinting down a path I shouldn't have taken. I remember what my priorities were (and how absolutely backwards they were) and where that got me at the end of the school year. I remember all the grace that God gave me and all the opportunities He made for me that I didn't deserve.

Thus, this year will be better, this year will be happier, this year I will succeed. Join me?

Content

I am content with life. Its true.

I am peaceful with almost everything that happens. I am calm and collected in moments that I would have flown off the handle had they happened last week.

I am totally fine being single, I am good with not living on campus, I am okay with not having any money, everything is good.

I don't need a boyfriend, I don't need a guy to text me all day, I don't need somebody to hang out with on Friday and Saturday nights, I don't need that. Everybody is looking for that right now, and I fell into it a bit, but I've realized that I don't even really want it.

As much or a lie as that may seem, its true. As much as I seem to "need" a man, I know that I don't.

I already wake up everyday with a good attitude, I don't need somebody to tell me I look good. I already end the day on a good note, I don't need to kiss anybody goodnight. My phone dies by 3pm even when I don't use it at all, I certainly don't need to text all day. I don't need a boyfriend. I don't want a boyfriend.

Now, I don't think I'm going to go a year without boys, but I'm not sure that I'm supposed to either. I don't think I spend enough time figuring out if that's really what God wants for me, or if this is what He wants for me. For me to just realize that I can go without somebody and I can just wait for whatever He wants to happen, to happen.

There are still guys that I am attracted to, and maybe within time, that will pan out, maybe not, who cares? I'm done focusing on it, I'm done putting all my energy into it. I can't control it any more now then I could before, so I'm not going to try.

I looove my bed. It's glorious. And while tempurpedic mattress pads do wonders for dorm beds, those are still only twin sized beds, and mine is a queen, thus giving me tons of room to move around, have 2 body pillows, and be comfortable. I am totally fine with not living on campus. I pretty much live there for free whenever I want, so its nice to have that option, and I am always there, but I can always come home to my bed, and even though I definitely still can when I do live on campus, my parents might start to wonder why they're spending tons of money for me to sleep at their house..

I am down to only a $75 debt! Yay!! I will have that paid off after two weeks of working. But I'm not working for the next three weeks because the kids are off track. Well, then I guess I will have that paid off in 5 weeks. Still better then nothing. Once I've paid off my debt I'm going to continue signing my checks over to my mom until I have paid her an extra $200 which she will save for me until I open up a new bank account at Altura, my long lost love. Hopefully having money in the bank before I even have a bank will help me with keeping the money in said bank. No more overdraft fees for me! (BTW, Altura only charges $30 for overdraft and they don't have the extended overdraft fee. yay!)

Life is good! <3

I don't want to get off this ride

If there is one thing I have learned this week, its that I really need to let things come in due time.

I'm conforming to the world's standards and expectations that everything has to happen now, because if it doesn't, it may not happen at all.

But it will.

It will happen when God wants it to happen.

There is a reason it's only November and not January, therefore inhibiting me from living on campus at present; and there is a reason I did not move on campus in September.

There is a reason I'm only eighteen.

There is a reason Tuesday comes after Monday and that Wednesday does not occur more often during the week.

There is a reason that I am who I am, I feel what I feel, I think what I think, and I want what I want.

But I need to let all that pan out when the time is most appropriate; and there is no way for me to know when that will be.

So I am, once again, giving everything up to God:

Hold me, my wants, my needs, my hopes, and my flaws.

Help me to know that everything is going to be fine;

and inspire me to enjoy this journey.

I don't want to get off this ride, I just want out of the cramped middle seat and in another seat that will allow me to see the beauty of everything I am riding through.

Discouragement and happenstance are teaming up against me.

This whole one year without boys thing sucks-just sayin'

But really, it does.

I seem to be extremely attracted to somebody, and I can't do anything about it. But I want to, and I have (yes, I broke the rules), and it was glorious. But I did it because he seems to be interested, and I don't want to lose that, so I had to play my hand before the time ran out.

Discouragement.

I was updating that blog and he walked by, and I just so happened to look out the window at the same time.

Happenstance.

Second thoughts are flooding my mind. But I know I need to stay strong. Maybe.

I read Chris Kretzu's comment on one of my posts and it really motivated me and helped me through it. But this discouragement still creeps at the back of my mind, and the levees have failed and allowed it to engulf my thoughts. The journey has finally proven to be a tough task. I knew it was coming, but I didn't think it would come so soon.

Plainly Stated.

Call me weird, or call me a cheap date, (I prefer the latter) but this much is true:

1. I don't like flowers, to be honest I prefer sticks, plants, or leaves that you picked up off the ground for me.

2. I don't celebrate Valentines Day, and I never will. Its commercialized and dumb. I believe that we don't need a special day to remind ourselves to love each other, we should be doing that every day. And I also believe that love is NOT shown by buying someone a card, teddy bear or chocolates (or all of the above).

3. I love surprises, absolutely, positively, love them.

4. I don't want an expensive, million carat diamond engagement, or wedding, ring. I want something simple and nice, I'll probably end up getting it dirty eventually anyways. I want something practical.

5. I want to be proposed to in front of a ton of people. Not anything too extravagantly planned out, just a simple, "I love you..blah, blah, blah...will you marry me" in front of an entire restaurant or church or whatever.

6. If you insist on buying me something, make it something that you saw randomly and it made you think of me, not something you went out and looked for cause you thought I'd like it. I hate when people buy stuff for me, but if it counts for something like that, then who am I to stop you?

7. No I don't want to text you all day, every day, but I would like to talk to you for at least part of the day, every day.

8. Yes, I would like to see you every day, if possible.

9. I believe that talking things out is the way to go, so I'm going to do all within my power to talk things out when they need to be talked about. Don't get annoyed, that's just how I do things.

10. Don't talk about the future. As much as it seems like I like to talk about the future, I don't. I need to stay in the present, otherwise I go crazy, so just don't do it. Live in the now, and the future will come and go, and we won't even notice.

Maybe I am weird, but I don't believe that love can be bought, I believe that it is something so deep, so beautiful and so amazing that it simply cannot be described. I hate the standards that the world has put on love. I want to break them all.

Love is not about going all out on Valentines day, or buying flowers, or sex. Love is about having a deep, transparent connection with somebody else, about knowing them like nobody on this earth knows them. Love is about the most amazing friendship any of us will ever have.

I want that kind of love. The kind of love that does not let the world dictate how it is shown, the kind of love that does not conform to the way others love. I want a love that is pure, and beautiful and that is based on me and him, inside and out; not one that is based on what

"typical people" typically like. I want a love that isn't afraid to show its true colors for all the world to see.

I miss you.

I miss you. I do. I miss my friends, I miss the way things use to be, I miss JFK.

I miss it all.

I love my life now, I absolutely adore everybody I've met at Cal Baptist, and I couldn't ask for a better job.

But I miss you guys. I've not replaced any of you, because I love you, you're a HUGE part of my life, you've helped make me who I am.

The real world, its tricky I guess.

OneyearwithoutBOYS

I've started a project.

I'm going a year without boys

check it out

oneyearwithoutBOYS.blogspot.com

Freeway

As I was sitting on the freeway this morning, I decided to take a look around. This is an account of the thoughts that went through my head..cause there was nothing else to do considering we were stopped.

A freeway is a weird thing-

It is a huge slab on cement on which we drive these huge metal contraptions.

It is a spot laid out and specified for only that use.

Trees were taken down and natural land was covered by a plethora of concrete.

Awesome? I'm not sure...

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy and fully understand the purpose of a car and roads for it to go on, but the reality of the fact that these things have overrun our lives is just astounding.

We are so controlled by it. We are so confined by it. We are so dependent on it.

Yes, it makes more sense to this modern world, yes I love being able to get to the place I want to be within 30 minutes, yes I love that I don't have to spend my day within walking distance- but is it a waste? Maybe there are better things we can be putting on our earth?

I don't know. I'm not quite sure what my point is here, but I just think its weird that we've laid out sections of concrete on which we maneuver giant chunks of metal and that gets us to where we want to be.

This world will never cease to amaze me. And I guess I am easily amazed.

Anybody feel me?

College

I feel like Chris Kretzu right now because I'm sitting, eating and browsing. and I've been here for well over an hour. How do you do it Chris? I'm starting to get bored. Maybe thats why you write so many blogs.

Anyways, as stated above, I'm sitting. What I didn't tell you is that I'm sitting in the cafe of CBU. Which means, I am in college, or, at least, on a college campus. But I really am in college, as much as I will ever be; and that is weird.

I don't feel like I'm in college. I don't feel old enough; there are like, 24 year olds here, and I go to school with them? no way! hah. Things are definitely different here. There are no bells telling us when to go to class, I can sit and do nothing for like, ever while people are in class and not have to be in class, because I don't have class.

Maybe it is setting in. If so, can I stay in college forever? Cause I really like this.

A Letter,

from the bottom of my heart:  

Dear Bank Of America,  

Despite the fact that I am a mere eighteen years of age, and a female at that, I am not as naive as you may think, I take good care of my checking account. I keep a written record of all my transactions, receive texts of my current balance daily, and follow online banking quite regularly, yet you show me a record different than what I have from all three sources (which all line up quite nicely, believe it or not).  

I would like to say thank you for your endless support on this issue, but really, you've not helped at all. May I remind you that when I called to get this straight and put in the secret code to speak to a representative, your automated system hung up on me. May I also state that the woman I spoke to today ignored my most important questions and walked away from me before I had fully understood the way you work. So much for your customer service ratings. I would just be absolutely astounded at this point if you actually told the truth once in awhile.  

I am sorry to say this (not really) but this just isn't working out for me. I may have found someone else, and I think it would be better if you just gave me my stuff back and we ended it now. Maybe one day we can be friends.  

Best Wishes,

Leanne.  

and you all wonder why I hate money!

Colorado, and all the little things it entails.

I've spent a great time of my life in Colorado, my dad's parents have lived out here since I was born and his brother and his girlfriend moved out here about 10 years ago (they've since gotten married and had a kid, so now his niece lives out here too). 

Most of the times that I've spent out here have been quite the enjoyable experience. Granted, I don't remember much from the early years, but from what I remember, said trips have always been good. 

Not until my cousin was born did I realize how much it bugs me being here. It may have something to do with the fact that I've grown in age and, arguably, maturity, or it may be that my aunts "better" side has come out with bearing a child. 

I'm trying to be the least bit judgmental here, but these people really do drive my up a wall at times. Within the last two years, I've spent time out here without my parents, and a few without my sister as well. My aunt and uncle already don't have any problem with sharing their opinions, no matter how offensive they may be, but with my parents absent, they're even more willing to do so. While being as nice as possible, I'm going to be blunt-their very narrow minded, dramatic, stubborn and selfish, and they don't care what anybody else thinks. I guess the nicest way to explain them would be "hard to deal with" so I'll stick with that. 

In the past year and a half that I've been involved heavily with church, they've been even harder to deal with. You see, they're very anti-religion; and believe me, they've made that VERY clear. I'm broken about it every day, but I realize that they've been given the freedom to make their own choices and that their choice has been made. I respect that, I never talk about it, I never make any connections to anything about it, I never bring it up in any way, whatsoever, ever. 

They never fail to bring it up though.. 

Over AIM not too long ago, I mentioned to my uncle that I was going to CBU, cause, well, I thought he would like to know what's going on in his niece's life. Buuut his response was.. "damn well dont be trying to convert us or any of that shit" Well, thanks for the enthusiasm and support, uncle. 

This current trip has been quite manageable, God has been with me, helping me to stay peaceful and helping to silence the judgements that usually would pop into my head at any given moment, so that has been good. Tonight my sister and I decided that we would spend as much time as we could with them before we left, and that we would spend the night at their house rather than at our grandma's. 

Turns out to not have been the best idea. I much rather prefer my Grandma's going to bed at 8pm and having the entire night left to do pretty much..nothing. We were all sitting watching TV, I had helped bathe the baby and read a story to her and left my aunt to finish the process of putting her to sleep, and everything was good. Until something about Sarah Palin came up.. how this connects is weird..i know. My aunt said

"Watch out for those people who use God for their own needs"

And my uncle quickly pointed at me.

I replied with, 

"Alright, I haven't said anything about it!!"

Which was met with,

"Yeah but the second you do, I will kick your ass!" from my uncle. 

And then he and my aunt sat there and lectured me on how stupid I was for "buying into it." 

Then, Thank You God, my uncle got a work call that he had to take, and my aunt's brother called her. 

But I was broken, and of course, I couldn't show them that it had affected me so, so I went to the bathroom and cried, and texted my mom and Bri. They both had encouraging words, and Bri sent me a prayer that she had said for me, and I was able to pull myself back together. It bugs me to no end that they can't have the respect to support their family in what each INDIVIDUAL choses to do. I respect their choices, why can't they respect mine. Back to the issue I have each time I can't understand something. Lame. 

I pray every night that somehow, God will soften their hearts. That they will come to see the Truth, or at least that Jessica, their daughter will be shown sometime in her life. And that if she is, and if she choses to follow Him, that they have the respect to let her do so. If you could join me in that, I would greatly appreciate it. I need all the help I can get. 

P.S. I'm in the bathroom right now to write this, because my uncle was reading my Facebook posts, so I didn't want to chance it, he'd just sit and lecture me some more. So here this is, to you, from me-while I sit on the toilet. 

Relationships, namely such with the opposite sex and God's funny little things with those.

Relating with the opposite sex has always been something I've struggled with. I've never done it "right." All too often I've confused lust with love and all too often I've acted upon that. I've also tried filling myself with the approval I occasionally got from guys, rather than the approval I always get from God. 

Lately I've done a better job of differing the two feelings, and not acting upon the lustful ones. I've been praying for God to not only fill me with Him, but also to bring me my one true love. Most of my friends are in relationships that seem to be ones that will last, ones that are God willed. And they're all so flippin cute ;p. But sometimes, especially when I'm around them, I feel alone. 

Sooo, I prayed and still do pray for Him to bring me a companion, and whilst praying, I am assured that he will come, and I am urged to keep my faith strong (Isaiah 7:9!!). 

When a certain handsome fellow started to show interest in me, I was stoked! I mean, he was suuper cute and I knew him from church, uh, score? I guess not. I had asked my friend to give him my number so we could start texting, cause thats what us teenagers do nowadays, and she did. I anxiously awaited his text, and it came, but so did an amazingly strong sense from God. I sat in that moment, not even yet had I replied to his initial text, and I asked God what I was feeling. He said no. He urged me not to pursue it like I had originally thought I would. He basically said, 

"Just be friends."

"What the?! How long have I asked and waited for You to bring me someone? And here someone is and you're telling me no?! But, God, he's cute!"

"Be still, and know that I am God.... friends"

Mind you, that is not a simple conversation with Him, thats more like 800 different conversations all simplified into one three sentence tidbit. 

So I'm still waiting, I'm still praying, and I'm still hoping. I'm trying my best to let God bring him to me and to not go out looking for someone I think will do, which is proving to not be so easy for me, but I think I'm holding up well. 

He also gave me this scripture from Daniel 10:12

"Do not fear, for from the first day you set your heart to understand, and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard"

Okay :)

CBU

Most recently, I got accepted to California Baptist University. 

And I couldn't be more excited about that! 

To be honest, Cal Baptist was never really a thought during high school. I knew I wanted to be a teacher by jr. year, but I always figured I would go to Cal State Fullerton. I'd never felt called to do anything back then, it was always what I wanted to do that would be so. By the middle of senior year, I knew there was something bigger for me, and I had chosen to go to Catalyst School of Ministry (I would pursue teaching later on). Then I started feeling like I was being to narrow minded, and that I should get all my schooling out of the way as soon as possible so I could pursue my greater dreams, like, for instance, having a family. And thats when the thought of going to Cal State Fullerton came back up. But I wanted something more. 

I knew I felt called to Catalyst because I am supposed to be involved in youth ministry, I really do believe that I could do a lot there. I wasn't just going to give that up because I wanted to lessen my time in school and have a family. I knew there had to be some place that I could go that would combine both elements. I immediately thought of Vanguard, cause, well, its beautiful there, and its almost right on the beach. AWESOME! But its also $36,000/year. HAH! nope. 

Then my mom suggested Cal Baptist, but I was still stuck on Vanguard, we could take out loans..thats why they offer them! But I decided to check it out, only because they don't have an application deadline, and by this time it was late June. So I applied, I wrote the essay, and I submitted it online, after tons of hard work, bum web browsers, and some lovely words to safari >:/. My mom and I visited it not long after aaaaand I loved it. 

As soon as I walked on campus, I felt home. There was a step-ahead orientation for other new students going on while we were there and we were lucky enough to get the opportunity to tag along with the parents tour. Everyone was so accommodating; we even got to eat lunch for free! score. (plus the food is amazing! ;])

I talked to the lady at the front desk, my mom gave her all my transcripts and AP scores and whatever else, and she gave us the card for my counselor. 

Not long after, my counselor called me and told me that he'd received my application and that he still needed two letters of recommendation, one academic letter, and one character reference. The academic letter seemed to be the hardest part, but thanks to Facebook, and Mrs. Shaw, I got that one done quite quickly thanks Mrs. Shaw:). The character reference was thought to be easier, I asked my neighbor to do it the day I applied. Much to my dismay though, she never actually did it. Jon, my counselor called in July and said he was still awaiting that. Then I asked Daniel Martinez to do one and he did, thanks Dan:). 

Before CBU had even received the letter from Daniel, Jon called me and said that they'd decided to accept me! I'm sure after they got the letter, they became even more confident in their choice, but that was still waaaay awesome! 

I went to my own Step-ahead orientation with another group of new students three days later, and they opened it with prayer, I knew then, that I was where I was supposed to be.

I've never doubted that God wanted me to go there. 

I can't wait to start :)

It's been awhile

It's sure been a long time since I've written..like, almost a month!

aand for that, I'm terribly sorry. 

I'm not sure why I haven't written in awhile, perhaps its because I've been really busy moving south campus back to Main St., or cause I got a macbook :) and I've been messing with/personalizing it, or because I got accepted to Cal Baptist (finally) and I've been too busy getting that all handled, or because I am sitting in my grandmother's house in Colorado. I don't know, but I can say that I have been busy. 

I know there have been events that I have needed to write about, I just haven't had the time, or words at each moment to write about them. It takes awhile to understand what's happening sometimes. God's funny like that. He knows I don't like things I can't understand and that I will most definitely waste all my time researching and trying to fully understand and make right the issue at hand, so He strings me along, just to keep me interested, I guess. 

I'll touch base on each event sometime during this week, but for now, here's a table of contents:

1. CBU

2. Relationships, namely,such with the opposite sex and God's funny little things with those.

3. Colorado, and all the little things it entails.

4. Being 18-updated. 

5. The book I'm writing. 

Stay tuned, these topics will be hit upon quite soon :)

<3

I don't know who you are, 

I don't know when I will finally meet you, 

but as I looked up to the moon last night, 

I heard Jesus tell me that you were looking at it too, 

from wherever you are. 

I am now at peace with the idea of waiting. 

I know that you're out there,

I know you're waiting too<3

Myspace Bulletin Gone Awry [but in the most beautiful sense.]

Subject : just 

Body: 

wrote a novel. and it felt oh so good. I am in love with life, my friends, my Savior, and my family. Today has been the most emotionally straining day in awhile, but it has made me sure that God is even greater than I thought. He has blessed me with so much more than I could ever hope for. He has shown me true love in the most unlikely ways. He has given me patience to get through the trying times. He has made me believe that there truly is something bigger planned for me. When I begged him, on my knees, completely broken, crying out to Him to take me away, to bring me to Heaven, to allow me to be with who I though was the only one who still loved me, He kept me here, and I realized that there is no way I could have left this world. Although it sucks sometimes, we are all here for a reason, and that reason is so much bigger than we can grasp. I look back to that time 5 months ago and I see that I have already been shown a glimpse of what is in store for me. I have already experienced some reasons for my living on this earth. I have been shown part of the purpose of my life. God is the most selfless, understanding, loving person. He knows so much more that you may think. Pray to him, ask him for anything at all, and if He wills it, He will give it to you. But sometimes we ask him for things that He doesn't will, and we become angry when He doesn't deliver. But who ever said he didn't deliver? What He gives us may not be exactly what we ask for, but that's because He knows what your future will be, and everything He does for you is only to benefit you in the end. He gives you a different answer than you've been expecting and sometimes it takes awhile for us to find it. His timing may also be different than ours. When we ask for the love of our life to come tomorrow, but they don't show up for another few years. Thats because God knows what we will be going through, and he knows what we can handle in certain times and what we cant. He knows our maturity levels and our emotional tolerances and our moods at any given moment; He understands us way more than we ever will. I don't think I could have ever imagined that my life would be where it is right now, and thats the beauty of it all. We have no stinking idea, yet He knows absolutely every moment we will face. We are in good hands, and nothing will change that. I really wish that was easier to grasp. Sometimes we forget that everything is handled, and we freak out. We try to take things into our control and it doesn't work out the way we've planned, because, well, our plan may just be different than God's plan. We just need to learn how to let His plan win. We need to pray for him to line up our desires and plans with His will. This isn't the novel that I mentioned above, This well, I did not intend to write any of this, It just happened. I was just going to tell you about how great I think life is, but yaknow, it happens. I guess. haha I love you for reading through it all, and I hope it held some sort of meaning for you :)

Take me there..

I have always wanted to do the following, so lets do it! 

1. Drive to the airport, sit on the top of the car and watch the airplanes take off and land.

2. Run through park sprinklers at night. 

3. Soapy, giant slip and slide.

4. Hike up Skyline. 

5. Drive the length of PCH, and visit every beach along the way.

6. Vegas turnaround trip. 

7. OC fair.

8. Warped Tour (August 22nd)

9. Watch the sunrise. 

10. Sleep in sleeping bags in the backyard. 

11. Camp on the beach. 

12. Learn how to play guitar.

13. Giant water gun fight.

14. All nighter, out on the town. 

15. Drive to a new city, walk around shopping centers and meet new people. 

16. Go to Mexico.

17. Make random videos of random things/people.

I will think of more things, and I will update this list.

But in the mean time, we've got 17 options :)

Life.

Is beautiful!

Can you feel it? 

I'm sitting outside right now, the temperature is wonderful, the breeze is lovely, it smells like BBQ off in the distance. My neighbors are playing basketball with friends in their backyard, Dakota is sitting on the floor chewing on some bark, and I'm in love. 

God is so great, He's given us so much, most of which we bypass. Like this chair I'm sitting on, or the fact that my BBQ Island has a plug on it so my laptop will stay alive for longer than 5 minutes, the wireless internet, the breeze so its not too hot, Pandora radio so I can drown out the sound of my neighbor's vulgar comments (=/). 

Its all beautiful, well, not the vulgarity, but you know what I'm talking about. I get the chance to sit and have time like this, in weather like this. 

And this is just a small part of life, just about an hour in my day, the first day I've ever done this. 

How could I have missed such beauty before? I love it. 

With EVERYTHING!

Generate tonight was AMAZING. Truly and wonderfully awesome. Not only Generate, but the entire night. The entire thing that was Generate, and everything that happened after, all of it connected to the same thing, all of it meaning the world to my relationship with God.

Pastor Tony Wood was talking about the core of a "passionate world changer" (the series that they are doing is called 3000 Passionate World Changers). The core is not anything you do. It is not the serving you do, it is not the tithing you do, it is not even the evangelizing you do, all those things are vital to christianity, but they are not the very core of your relationship with God. The core of your relationship with God is: realizing how big God really is. Which is something that we cannot grasp. Its something we will never understand, but it is something that will make all our problems fade away. God is huuge! He is all knowing, He is life itself, He is INFINITE! Everything we have, He gave to us. Everything we see, He made, everything that has ever happened to anyone ever, He did. "God exists in a tension between nowhere and everywhere" said Tony. He is everything, and we need to realize that.
God doesn't need you. He won't take your suggestions, He won't ask for your advice. He knows everything already, why would He need that? God loves you, sooo much, He sent his only son to DIE for you. HE DIED FOR YOU! Yah, thats huge, and its freaking great and I love it, I do. But do I embrace it, do I live like I owe him my life?

Answer: NO. And he made that blatantly obvious to me awhile ago, but I didn't catch it.

Ready for this? And, yeah, I even wrote this in my notes.
Everything that happened between my ex-boyfriend and I, all the bad, all the good, all of it. That is how I am living my relationship with God. Although I am not innocent little me in this situation, I am him. I am the one who hurt. I am the one who gave up. I am the one who brought the downfall. Now for our story: Not long after the novelty of the relationship wore off, he became quite vague with me. He spoke only when spoken to, he gave me one word answers to the simple "how was your day" conversation starting questions, hindering the ability to carry on conversation with him. He was all the sudden "too busy" to hang out with me. We went from hanging out everyday to seeing each other at church on Sundays. It got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore. I was depressed for a week, and I decided that I wasn't going to live like that, I slept and ate too much and gained 10 pounds, which is big for me considering I don't retain weight for longer than 5 minutes. So I ended it, which made me more hurt because he didn't run after me, he didn't say "no, I will change, I'm sorry" he said "yeah, probably best" and left it at that. So I was depressed for another 2 weeks straight, I still have my moments and probably will for awhile. I don't understand why. Why did he stop talking to me, why did he not see that I was hurt, why doesn't he care.

And then it clicked.

That is exactly how I am treating God. When was the last time I read my bible without being told to turn to a certain verse during a service? When was the last time I sat alone with no distractions and talked to Him? When was the last time I spent any time with Him?
Its been too long. I should have known. I know how badly it felt to be treated that way. Why am I treating God that way? Where do I get off?
So I had my moment of feeling like a failure... Then the alter call, and the girl sitting next to me (someone i didn't know) committed her life to Christ! Like, obviously a ton of people do that every week, and I see them walk down to the front all the time, but never has the person been sharing an armrest with me! I was reminded of how forgiven I already was. Of how all He wanted was for me to say, "I'm sorry" and to change my ways (definitely a desire I can relate to). I was reminded in that moment about how strong God is. He doesn't give up, He never will, actually, He can't. He loves me so incredibly much, its just something He cannot even fathom doing. Then the band played the song "With Everything" with a whole drum line and all, it was great and it clicked again:

A relationship with God is a relationship with everything. A relationship that requires everything. A relationship that will give and has given, everything. A relationship to which I must give everything, especially now that I know how it feels to be in a relationship full of nothing.

After the service, I was out and about hanging out and talking with friends. A few times I was reminded of that past relationship, which, happens quite often, and brings me down every time, but I saw those reminders as simple hints to what I had just learned. They no longer made me confused and sad, but happy and somewhat..complete, for now I understand what that was all about. Life is not about any other person you encounter on this earth, its about God. Your relationship with him comes first, and if its not first, things will slowly unravel until you figure that out. (I sorta stole that idea from the book Captivating)
Tonight was an emotional roller coaster. The kind that you wait in line for forever and when you finally get on, it goes starts fast, and it ends even quicker. The kind that makes you want to throw up right after, but also the kind that you wait in line in fear not knowing what to expect, but when you get off, you have never felt so accomplished in your life, because you conquered it, and you've lived to tell.
:)