change

I've been so resistant to all of the change happening. I think thats why my life is so crazy right now. Everything is changing, and I keep trying to stay the same, but it all caught up to me. There's nowhere for me to go but forward, and the only way I can do that is to accept the change. 

All too often I've tried to talk things out with people in hopes of making things go back to the way they were, but what I've just realized is that it will never happen. I was so excited for the future, and now its here and I don't like what I see. I talked to my parents about everything I've been feeling and that didn't go over too well because I wasn't getting the results I wanted, so I shut down again. That happens all the time lately, I shut down and push everything out when I'm not hearing what I want to hear. 

Things have rocked my world lately; relationships, school, church, family, everything. I became so unhealthy because I tried to shut everything out. I ate junk food constantly, I slept more than I ever needed to, I stopped going to some classes, I gave up. I thought talking everything out and making things go back to how they were would help,  but thats not how things work. Everyone kept telling me that nothing will ever go back to exactly how they were, I was going to have to deal with the change, but of course, thats not what I wanted to hear, so I shut it out. 

I'm so sorry, you all were right. I became so wrapped up in the past that it was even harder to accept the change. I think I've finally accepted it, somewhat. I've learned to go with the flow, and let things happen. I was so bitter towards everything. 

I was upset that Daniel left the church, and when I heard that Chris Kretzu was leaving, I became even more upset. I felt the change coming on, and I knew it was going to be hard. I wish I would have realized this a lot earlier. I started to become more attached to other people, and when even the slightest thing changed between us, I became upset. I'm too dependent on people, I need to focus on being more dependent on God. I think I'm getting there. 

Every church service I've been to has talked about either acceptance or becoming dependent on God, or both, everything I've needed to hear. I think I knew at the time that it was stuff I needed to hear, but, again, I didn't want to listen. I took tons on notes though, I knew I needed it. 

Everything is going to continue to change, and I think I will be more accepting to it, we'll see. 

I think that's become my motto: "we'll see" I was talking to Adam today, and he gave me so much hope for the future, I just need to get through this rough patch. 

jealousy

For whatever reason, I was jealous of everybody for everything. For their looks, their relationships, their parents, everything! I had a big issue trying to get over it as well. Everything seemed so perfect for everyone else. 

I prayed about it, Daniel did a message about it, I eventually got over it, sorta. Things kept getting better. Things I was jealous of, became mine. Things I always wanted, I got. I praised God for everything, He was really the only one who knew exactly what I wanted, and He gave it to me. 

But then things got weird again, and nothing was really working out how they should have. People I was jealous of just kept getting better and better, and now, I'm still jealous of them.  I pray all the time for everything to work out and I have faith that it will, I know it will, my only question is when?! Every time I think things are getting better, they turn themselves right back around. I don't know if there is something I'm doing thats making it turn around or if its just one test after another. I continue to praise God when things are bad and I'm learning more and more to go to Him for everything, but everything lately has left me wondering if this is how its going to be. Because if it is, I'm done. 

I honestly believe that God is telling me to hold on to everything right now. He's given me faith and strength in it all, He's stopped me from giving up countless times. Its only the beginning of life to come, sometimes thats the best thing about life, other times its the worst. Either way, I just pray that everything can go back to how it was when I was jealous of ME, because if I'm going to be jealous of anyone, I want to be jealous of me, I don't want to be jealous of others, I find that rude and disrespectful towards the both of us. Maybe jealousy won't ever go away, and thats the only way I can think of dealing with it. If I focus on the good, its easier to find reasons to be jealous of me, if I focus on what I have instead of what someone else has, I can be jealous of that, I guess. 

Jealousy is something I've always faced. I've recently thought of turning it around, and I think its worked, but there is just so much that God has in store for everybody around me, its hard to focus on what He has in store for me. I guess thats the draw back of being such a people person. 

The Brick.

This is an email that I just read that definitely made a huge impact on my life. Enjoy! 

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something... As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?' The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.' Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.' Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watch ed the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home. It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: 'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!' God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us.. It's our choice to listen or not. 

Thought for the Day:

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring.

He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!

God didn't promise days without pain, 

laughter without sorrow,sun without rain,

 but He did promise strength for the day, 

comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Selflessness (Pt. II)

I read an opinion article today in Newsweek entitled "I Won't Roll the Biological Dice"

here, you can read it if you want to-->http://www.newsweek.com/id/194589

If you don't want to read it, thats fine, I'm going to summarize it. Its about this older woman whose decided not to have kids, she's wanted kids, but she won't do it. Her two sister's died at ages 8 and 27 because of  life threatening diseases, diseases that were genetic. She said that when she got married she thought about having children, but she knew the facts... she had a 67% chance of passing on one of the diseases to her own child. She knew she couldn't be that selfish. 

This brings me to my neighbors, the Stacy's. They have 4 boys, three of which are completely "normal" one who cant even talk. Matthew must be around 4 or 5 now. last time I saw him he was 2, and he couldn't even sit up. He has a feeding tube, an IV and has to be carried around everywhere. He doesn't have the spine functionality to be able to sit in a wheelchair. Whatever has put him in this condition is a rare genetic disease, one which lies in BOTH of the parents gene pools. 

He is their third child. Their fourth, who is now around the age of 2, is fine. She's also pregnant again. I understand the want for a big family, I wish I was old enough to have a family all the time. I love kids, and can't wait until I can have my own, but I would never play the cards like they are. I believe that its selfish to the fullest extent. Putting a child in this world knowing that there is a high chance of it suffering its entire life is the worst thing a parent could do. The author of the article said so also. 

I don't know, maybe they don't read into the statistics too heavily, or maybe they haven't even thought about it. It sure does upset me though. 

The Baxter's

I'm at the Baxter's today, I got here right after Rachel got home from school and made Adam a grilled cheese before he got home from school, and then Rachel and I went up to clean her room and the spare room. We were in the spare room and she said "this is where you should live!" and I began to think about it, Rachel and I had been talking about me living with them for awhile, since my parents and I started disagreeing on everything. I thought more about it and if I did move here.. I would be living with my boyfriends sister's boyfriend, also known as one of my best friend's boyfriend. that would cause for some really weird thinking among outsiders. Its funny, but thats about it. But this family is so supportive, and encouraging, and loving, and amazing, I wouldn't mind living here at all. I just need to be able to keep my car and get a job, so I could pay my own way, for my necessities and food and whatnot. I wont live here and make them support me as well as their own children. 

There's my thoughts for the day. Preeeeetttty sweet.