I don't want to get off this ride

If there is one thing I have learned this week, its that I really need to let things come in due time.

I'm conforming to the world's standards and expectations that everything has to happen now, because if it doesn't, it may not happen at all.

But it will.

It will happen when God wants it to happen.

There is a reason it's only November and not January, therefore inhibiting me from living on campus at present; and there is a reason I did not move on campus in September.

There is a reason I'm only eighteen.

There is a reason Tuesday comes after Monday and that Wednesday does not occur more often during the week.

There is a reason that I am who I am, I feel what I feel, I think what I think, and I want what I want.

But I need to let all that pan out when the time is most appropriate; and there is no way for me to know when that will be.

So I am, once again, giving everything up to God:

Hold me, my wants, my needs, my hopes, and my flaws.

Help me to know that everything is going to be fine;

and inspire me to enjoy this journey.

I don't want to get off this ride, I just want out of the cramped middle seat and in another seat that will allow me to see the beauty of everything I am riding through.

Discouragement and happenstance are teaming up against me.

This whole one year without boys thing sucks-just sayin'

But really, it does.

I seem to be extremely attracted to somebody, and I can't do anything about it. But I want to, and I have (yes, I broke the rules), and it was glorious. But I did it because he seems to be interested, and I don't want to lose that, so I had to play my hand before the time ran out.

Discouragement.

I was updating that blog and he walked by, and I just so happened to look out the window at the same time.

Happenstance.

Second thoughts are flooding my mind. But I know I need to stay strong. Maybe.

I read Chris Kretzu's comment on one of my posts and it really motivated me and helped me through it. But this discouragement still creeps at the back of my mind, and the levees have failed and allowed it to engulf my thoughts. The journey has finally proven to be a tough task. I knew it was coming, but I didn't think it would come so soon.

Plainly Stated.

Call me weird, or call me a cheap date, (I prefer the latter) but this much is true:

1. I don't like flowers, to be honest I prefer sticks, plants, or leaves that you picked up off the ground for me.

2. I don't celebrate Valentines Day, and I never will. Its commercialized and dumb. I believe that we don't need a special day to remind ourselves to love each other, we should be doing that every day. And I also believe that love is NOT shown by buying someone a card, teddy bear or chocolates (or all of the above).

3. I love surprises, absolutely, positively, love them.

4. I don't want an expensive, million carat diamond engagement, or wedding, ring. I want something simple and nice, I'll probably end up getting it dirty eventually anyways. I want something practical.

5. I want to be proposed to in front of a ton of people. Not anything too extravagantly planned out, just a simple, "I love you..blah, blah, blah...will you marry me" in front of an entire restaurant or church or whatever.

6. If you insist on buying me something, make it something that you saw randomly and it made you think of me, not something you went out and looked for cause you thought I'd like it. I hate when people buy stuff for me, but if it counts for something like that, then who am I to stop you?

7. No I don't want to text you all day, every day, but I would like to talk to you for at least part of the day, every day.

8. Yes, I would like to see you every day, if possible.

9. I believe that talking things out is the way to go, so I'm going to do all within my power to talk things out when they need to be talked about. Don't get annoyed, that's just how I do things.

10. Don't talk about the future. As much as it seems like I like to talk about the future, I don't. I need to stay in the present, otherwise I go crazy, so just don't do it. Live in the now, and the future will come and go, and we won't even notice.

Maybe I am weird, but I don't believe that love can be bought, I believe that it is something so deep, so beautiful and so amazing that it simply cannot be described. I hate the standards that the world has put on love. I want to break them all.

Love is not about going all out on Valentines day, or buying flowers, or sex. Love is about having a deep, transparent connection with somebody else, about knowing them like nobody on this earth knows them. Love is about the most amazing friendship any of us will ever have.

I want that kind of love. The kind of love that does not let the world dictate how it is shown, the kind of love that does not conform to the way others love. I want a love that is pure, and beautiful and that is based on me and him, inside and out; not one that is based on what

"typical people" typically like. I want a love that isn't afraid to show its true colors for all the world to see.

I miss you.

I miss you. I do. I miss my friends, I miss the way things use to be, I miss JFK.

I miss it all.

I love my life now, I absolutely adore everybody I've met at Cal Baptist, and I couldn't ask for a better job.

But I miss you guys. I've not replaced any of you, because I love you, you're a HUGE part of my life, you've helped make me who I am.

The real world, its tricky I guess.

OneyearwithoutBOYS

I've started a project.

I'm going a year without boys

check it out

oneyearwithoutBOYS.blogspot.com