For The Best?

I keep feeling like I've screwed up. And I really wish I didn't. 

Everyone says it was for the better, but I keep feeling like i gave up. 

Like there was something I was supposed to be holding out for. 

Maybe something more, maybe something big. I often over think EVERYTHING. 

So this isn't really a surprise to me. 

But the over thinking thing usually doesn't last almost a month and a half.

So maybe God is telling me to look back, and to go back? 

NO!? 

It was a really painful experience, at the end. 

Wait, maybe cause it wasn't supposed to end? Ah. No. It was. 

But. Nah. Nevermind. 

It was more like "a really painful experience TOWARDS the end"

Have you ever felt like you have to redo something, or like you didn't do something right

or like this..at all?

Can I ever make up for that?

The past just never really seems to go away. Especially the parts that you want to leave the most. I think that is because those parts of your life have shaped so much of what you are today, no matter how hard or regrettable they were. Those feelings that randomly present themselves, all the times you reference back to it, all the people who ask you about it, its all part of the big process of learning from it and moving on. But thats what makes it so hard. 

All of my old friends are graduating tomorrow, I want to go, I want to be there to support them because, I still love them. They were a HUUUUGE part of my life. But they don't want me there. They don't want me to "suddenly" care so much about them. They're still a little mad that I "left" them, which, is understandable, but it gets in the way of my life. I wish I would have still been friends with them. But I love my friends now sooo much, maybe even more than them, only because they have loved me more than my old friends did, they're just generally more loving people, that is, of course all due to the fact that they know and follow Jesus. But I won't get into that. 

I want to talk to them, I want to tell them about all the things that have changed in my life, I want to find out all the things that have changed in theirs. I want to cry with them over the fact that our life is finally beginning, I want to know if they still have the same plans they had, I don't. I want to know how they are, how they were, and that I'm sorry. There are soooo many people I need to talk to. Sooo many people I left on bad terms, because I didn't know how to deal with my problems, so I ran away. Can I ever make up for that?

Being 18

SUCKS! This time in my life is such an awkward time. There's so much to do, but I don't feel like I have enough time. I know exactly what i want to be when I "grow up" but I don't want to have to work towards it. I just want to skip all this in between time and be everything I want to become. I want to be a teacher, and I want to be a mom, more than anything. I know that neither of those will happen for me right now, well, I guess if i wanted it bad enough I could accomplish becoming a mom, but I'm gonna wait on that one. I want to meet "the one," and I want to fall in love, and I want to get married, and I want to live on my own, and I want to be older! I've wanted to be older for awhile, but never as much as I do right now. I'm graduating high school next week, I'm getting a job over summer, and I'm starting Catalyst in the fall. There's no more routine: wake up, go to school, get good grades. I have no idea what to expect. That scares me.

I know that Catalyst isn't going to be just a walk in the park, but I'm expecting it to be a lot different than high school. All I've done my entire life is go to school. I've never had a job for longer than 2 months, I've never done both work and school, I've never had the opportunity I have now. So much is about to change. That scares me! What if I mess it up? What if its not what I'm supposed to be doing with my life? What if Catalyst isn't what God had planned for me? All these questions have popped up this past week, I don't know if I'm just freaking out because its all becoming so real, or if I'm really supposed to question it.

Am I following God's plan? How do I know? I'm so afraid that I've already messed up so much that He's provided me, that I've become so off track its impossible to get back on track. I honestly don't know why I feel this way. That scares me. I've gone throughout most of high school with no apparent goals in mind for the future, i never knew that there was a plan for me to follow, I never considered it, and now that God has become a giant part of my life, I fear that I will mess it up and disappoint him.

I think I'm just freaking out because, like I said, I don't take kindly to change, and every thing's about to change.

life and dreams and such.

Recently, the following questions have been thrown on my plate:

What is the American Dream and what does it mean to you?

My answer follows this quote by James Turslow Adams, who actually coined the term in his book, Epic of America(1931):

"that dream of a land in which life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement. It is a difficult dream for the European upper classes to interpret adequately, and too many of us ourselves have grown weary and mistrustful of it. It is not a dream of motor cars and high wages merely, but a dream of social order in which each man and each woman shall be able to attain to the fullest stature of which they are innately capable, and be recognized by others for what they are, regardless of the fortuitous circumstances of birth or position."

I believe in that one hundred percent and, to be honest, I didn't even know that Adams coined the term, not until I searched it to see the name of the book that he wrote it in. That is exactly what the american dream means to me, to be successful based off of happiness, not status or money, and to help other people while I'm at it. 

I want to be involved in a church and an elementary teacher when i grow up, but, my greatest dream is to be a mother. I want to be happy, I don't want a huge house and fancy cars. I want a family filled with love and friends who support and love one another, I don't want to be a CEO or to marry a doctor or professional athlete, I want to marry somebody who's as into family and God as I am, maybe even more so. 

I want to teach others the beauty of life and love, I want to spread happiness. I want to teach the world to let go of materialism and to realize that money truly does not buy happiness, it never will. I want to make an impact on the people around me, and reach out to those in need of a positive influence.  

My dreams are simple ones, and one may argue that I'm taking the easy way out, but I honestly don't believe so. Yeah, the jobs I've chosen don't require much schooling, and don't provide huge sums of money or status, but they are as challenging as any other. I want my life to be centered around family, which may be the hardest job of all. Being a mother, as easy as it may seem to the ones on the outside looking in, is hard. I don't have personal experience to back that claim up, but I have spend a giant chunk of my life babysitting, and that in itself is a challenge. Motherhood is a 24-hour job that doesn't receive a salary, one that you can't quit (no matter how hard you try), one that you can't ever completely take a vacation from, one that you cant get promoted in, but one that has rewards that last a lifetime, literally. 

I can't wait.  

Faith

My faith gets tested so much it seems, but then I remember that I asked God to give me tests and to throw trouble at me to check me. It has definitely worked. I am more strong than ever before now, but I have to wonder, will it ever stop? It seems like its one thing after another pushing my life out of good and on to crazy. I know I will never live without any struggle or trouble, but does it have to be so frequent? I get about a week of good in, then something goes wrong. 

Its never been so hard to keep faith and hope, but its also never been so easy. Its a complicated thing, and I don't know exactly how to explain it, but God never leaves us on our own. I've got someone to go to with everything that happens, I've actually got tons of people I can go to, I'm not the only one going through these struggles, and I'm not the only one who feels this way. Its hard to think of others when you're so wrapped up in your life, but God has made that so easy on me. He's given me strength and hope and more love than I can possibly imagine, its great :)