Discouragement and happenstance are teaming up against me.

This whole one year without boys thing sucks-just sayin'

But really, it does.

I seem to be extremely attracted to somebody, and I can't do anything about it. But I want to, and I have (yes, I broke the rules), and it was glorious. But I did it because he seems to be interested, and I don't want to lose that, so I had to play my hand before the time ran out.

Discouragement.

I was updating that blog and he walked by, and I just so happened to look out the window at the same time.

Happenstance.

Second thoughts are flooding my mind. But I know I need to stay strong. Maybe.

I read Chris Kretzu's comment on one of my posts and it really motivated me and helped me through it. But this discouragement still creeps at the back of my mind, and the levees have failed and allowed it to engulf my thoughts. The journey has finally proven to be a tough task. I knew it was coming, but I didn't think it would come so soon.

Plainly Stated.

Call me weird, or call me a cheap date, (I prefer the latter) but this much is true:

1. I don't like flowers, to be honest I prefer sticks, plants, or leaves that you picked up off the ground for me.

2. I don't celebrate Valentines Day, and I never will. Its commercialized and dumb. I believe that we don't need a special day to remind ourselves to love each other, we should be doing that every day. And I also believe that love is NOT shown by buying someone a card, teddy bear or chocolates (or all of the above).

3. I love surprises, absolutely, positively, love them.

4. I don't want an expensive, million carat diamond engagement, or wedding, ring. I want something simple and nice, I'll probably end up getting it dirty eventually anyways. I want something practical.

5. I want to be proposed to in front of a ton of people. Not anything too extravagantly planned out, just a simple, "I love you..blah, blah, blah...will you marry me" in front of an entire restaurant or church or whatever.

6. If you insist on buying me something, make it something that you saw randomly and it made you think of me, not something you went out and looked for cause you thought I'd like it. I hate when people buy stuff for me, but if it counts for something like that, then who am I to stop you?

7. No I don't want to text you all day, every day, but I would like to talk to you for at least part of the day, every day.

8. Yes, I would like to see you every day, if possible.

9. I believe that talking things out is the way to go, so I'm going to do all within my power to talk things out when they need to be talked about. Don't get annoyed, that's just how I do things.

10. Don't talk about the future. As much as it seems like I like to talk about the future, I don't. I need to stay in the present, otherwise I go crazy, so just don't do it. Live in the now, and the future will come and go, and we won't even notice.

Maybe I am weird, but I don't believe that love can be bought, I believe that it is something so deep, so beautiful and so amazing that it simply cannot be described. I hate the standards that the world has put on love. I want to break them all.

Love is not about going all out on Valentines day, or buying flowers, or sex. Love is about having a deep, transparent connection with somebody else, about knowing them like nobody on this earth knows them. Love is about the most amazing friendship any of us will ever have.

I want that kind of love. The kind of love that does not let the world dictate how it is shown, the kind of love that does not conform to the way others love. I want a love that is pure, and beautiful and that is based on me and him, inside and out; not one that is based on what

"typical people" typically like. I want a love that isn't afraid to show its true colors for all the world to see.

I miss you.

I miss you. I do. I miss my friends, I miss the way things use to be, I miss JFK.

I miss it all.

I love my life now, I absolutely adore everybody I've met at Cal Baptist, and I couldn't ask for a better job.

But I miss you guys. I've not replaced any of you, because I love you, you're a HUGE part of my life, you've helped make me who I am.

The real world, its tricky I guess.

OneyearwithoutBOYS

I've started a project.

I'm going a year without boys

check it out

oneyearwithoutBOYS.blogspot.com

Freeway

As I was sitting on the freeway this morning, I decided to take a look around. This is an account of the thoughts that went through my head..cause there was nothing else to do considering we were stopped.

A freeway is a weird thing-

It is a huge slab on cement on which we drive these huge metal contraptions.

It is a spot laid out and specified for only that use.

Trees were taken down and natural land was covered by a plethora of concrete.

Awesome? I'm not sure...

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy and fully understand the purpose of a car and roads for it to go on, but the reality of the fact that these things have overrun our lives is just astounding.

We are so controlled by it. We are so confined by it. We are so dependent on it.

Yes, it makes more sense to this modern world, yes I love being able to get to the place I want to be within 30 minutes, yes I love that I don't have to spend my day within walking distance- but is it a waste? Maybe there are better things we can be putting on our earth?

I don't know. I'm not quite sure what my point is here, but I just think its weird that we've laid out sections of concrete on which we maneuver giant chunks of metal and that gets us to where we want to be.

This world will never cease to amaze me. And I guess I am easily amazed.

Anybody feel me?