I guess this is growing up.

I work 8am-2pm in an office, wearing business casual clothes and heels.

I am tired. all.the.time.

I drink coffee.

I save money.

I'm preparing to move out in August.

I'm taking out loans.

I have to work out, or else I will get fat.

I'm a sophomore in COLLEGE !

When did all this happen?

This is not at all how I pictured 19 to be. But that's okay.

two-thousand-ten

Welp, it's a new year, and to be honest, I couldn't be happier.

Although 2009 was good and taught me A LOT, I'm so excited to step into this new year. I'm beginning it with a clean slate. I've spent the past few weeks reflecting on 2009, the lessons I learned, the people I met, the fun I had, the memories I made and the ones I tried to erase. I began to make a list of things that I need to do, that I want to do and things that I will never do again. Needless to say, I feel as if I'm going into this new year with a smarter outlook on life. I've learned, I've matured and I've grown to see the things I missed before.

I remember where my focus was this time last year, and I remember the events that followed and led me sprinting down a path I shouldn't have taken. I remember what my priorities were (and how absolutely backwards they were) and where that got me at the end of the school year. I remember all the grace that God gave me and all the opportunities He made for me that I didn't deserve.

Thus, this year will be better, this year will be happier, this year I will succeed. Join me?

Content

I am content with life. Its true.

I am peaceful with almost everything that happens. I am calm and collected in moments that I would have flown off the handle had they happened last week.

I am totally fine being single, I am good with not living on campus, I am okay with not having any money, everything is good.

I don't need a boyfriend, I don't need a guy to text me all day, I don't need somebody to hang out with on Friday and Saturday nights, I don't need that. Everybody is looking for that right now, and I fell into it a bit, but I've realized that I don't even really want it.

As much or a lie as that may seem, its true. As much as I seem to "need" a man, I know that I don't.

I already wake up everyday with a good attitude, I don't need somebody to tell me I look good. I already end the day on a good note, I don't need to kiss anybody goodnight. My phone dies by 3pm even when I don't use it at all, I certainly don't need to text all day. I don't need a boyfriend. I don't want a boyfriend.

Now, I don't think I'm going to go a year without boys, but I'm not sure that I'm supposed to either. I don't think I spend enough time figuring out if that's really what God wants for me, or if this is what He wants for me. For me to just realize that I can go without somebody and I can just wait for whatever He wants to happen, to happen.

There are still guys that I am attracted to, and maybe within time, that will pan out, maybe not, who cares? I'm done focusing on it, I'm done putting all my energy into it. I can't control it any more now then I could before, so I'm not going to try.

I looove my bed. It's glorious. And while tempurpedic mattress pads do wonders for dorm beds, those are still only twin sized beds, and mine is a queen, thus giving me tons of room to move around, have 2 body pillows, and be comfortable. I am totally fine with not living on campus. I pretty much live there for free whenever I want, so its nice to have that option, and I am always there, but I can always come home to my bed, and even though I definitely still can when I do live on campus, my parents might start to wonder why they're spending tons of money for me to sleep at their house..

I am down to only a $75 debt! Yay!! I will have that paid off after two weeks of working. But I'm not working for the next three weeks because the kids are off track. Well, then I guess I will have that paid off in 5 weeks. Still better then nothing. Once I've paid off my debt I'm going to continue signing my checks over to my mom until I have paid her an extra $200 which she will save for me until I open up a new bank account at Altura, my long lost love. Hopefully having money in the bank before I even have a bank will help me with keeping the money in said bank. No more overdraft fees for me! (BTW, Altura only charges $30 for overdraft and they don't have the extended overdraft fee. yay!)

Life is good! <3

I don't want to get off this ride

If there is one thing I have learned this week, its that I really need to let things come in due time.

I'm conforming to the world's standards and expectations that everything has to happen now, because if it doesn't, it may not happen at all.

But it will.

It will happen when God wants it to happen.

There is a reason it's only November and not January, therefore inhibiting me from living on campus at present; and there is a reason I did not move on campus in September.

There is a reason I'm only eighteen.

There is a reason Tuesday comes after Monday and that Wednesday does not occur more often during the week.

There is a reason that I am who I am, I feel what I feel, I think what I think, and I want what I want.

But I need to let all that pan out when the time is most appropriate; and there is no way for me to know when that will be.

So I am, once again, giving everything up to God:

Hold me, my wants, my needs, my hopes, and my flaws.

Help me to know that everything is going to be fine;

and inspire me to enjoy this journey.

I don't want to get off this ride, I just want out of the cramped middle seat and in another seat that will allow me to see the beauty of everything I am riding through.

Discouragement and happenstance are teaming up against me.

This whole one year without boys thing sucks-just sayin'

But really, it does.

I seem to be extremely attracted to somebody, and I can't do anything about it. But I want to, and I have (yes, I broke the rules), and it was glorious. But I did it because he seems to be interested, and I don't want to lose that, so I had to play my hand before the time ran out.

Discouragement.

I was updating that blog and he walked by, and I just so happened to look out the window at the same time.

Happenstance.

Second thoughts are flooding my mind. But I know I need to stay strong. Maybe.

I read Chris Kretzu's comment on one of my posts and it really motivated me and helped me through it. But this discouragement still creeps at the back of my mind, and the levees have failed and allowed it to engulf my thoughts. The journey has finally proven to be a tough task. I knew it was coming, but I didn't think it would come so soon.