selflessness.

The concept of selflessness seems easy, until you're told you're doing it all wrong, or not actually doing it at all. Its something I've been faced with quite recently, and truth be told, I thought I was doing a pretty good job. My mom's mom died late Thursday night, an even I was already prepared for; she was in a coma for 3 days, and had already been in and out of the hospital for the last month. She couldn't eat, she could barely move, it was time. The time we had with her this past month made me almost wish she would just go, she was in so much pain, she didn't deserve to end her life that way. When she slipped into a coma, I felt somewhat relieved, at least she wasn't in pain anymore.
My mom is going through a really rough time and, honestly, I have no idea what to do. I sorta just want to leave her alone, let her cry and get it all out, but I also want to stop her crying and help her go on normally, as my grandma would've wanted. Here's where my selfishness gets in the way, this weekend gives me the best excuse to do what I do best in stressful situations-leave. Almost everyone I know is at youth convention, and the people who aren't staying down there, are going down for the day today, and of course, I really wanted to go. Not only is it a chance to get away, but all my friends are down there, aaaand Daniel has extra tickets, aaand tonight is the Switchfoot concert. Too many good things to pass up! But of course, I can't just leave my mom in the worst moment of her life; however, I have no idea what to do and all I can think of is to leave her be.
My dad said some things last night that slapped me in the face-hard! I was being extremely selfish, I was not seeing that all my mom wanted was to hang out with her family, all I was seeing was an opportunity to leave it and to be with my friends. Nonetheless, I'm staying in Corona today, my mom and I are going christmas shopping.

Thanksgiving.

I've never been a very big fan of this holiday, only because I find it ridiculous that we need a special day to remind us to be thankful, and also because too many people have forgotten the true meaning of it and like it only because of the food. I've gotten more "happy turkey day!" texts than ones that at least make some recognition of the word "thanks."
But the first text I got this morning was from Gracie saying how thankful she is to have me in her life, something that I never thought I'd hear from a friend as new as she is to me. It made me realize all the things I'm thankful for with a deeper point of view.
My life has changed so drastically this past year, I truly thought I was going to have nothing but family to be thankful for, but its much more than i ever imagined.
God is number one on my "thankful for" list because He has brought me to where I am now. He has given me amazing friends and amazing role models. He has definately taken my life, and flipped it right side up (because it already was upside down). And although today might be the last day my grandma has on earth, He's given us 2 and a half more years than we thought we'd have with her, and I cant thank Him enough for that.
I'm extremely thankful for South Hills Church, every single staff and congregation member, not that I know all of you, but I do know that you have made an impact on my life.
I'm thankful for my family for holding me together this past year, there was a time when you guys were the only ones I trusted.
Lastly, I'm thankful for all my friends. Every single one of you has made the biggest impact on my life, and you don't even know it. I thank you for taking me in and allowing me to become one of your friends. You've all given me a new sense of direction and hope.

We all have our moments.

I'm just gonna throw this out there, I have when people don't text me back, it makes me feel rejected, which depresses me. But I think what makes it worse is I hate that the smallest thing makes me feel rejected, it makes me feel like I try too hard to be accepted. Crap.
If thats really how it is, shoot me now. Those people bug the crap out of me, and guess what, I'm one of them. But really, aren't we all?



I sorta like how many times I've changed my view on this just while I was typing. hah. welcome to my mind :]

To start a blog.

I decided that I want to make a blog not because I want to attract attention to my thoughts or because I want to use it as an indirect way to talk to anybody, or anything like that, but because I decided that I need some place to let out my thoughts and keep them organized, in hopes that, one day, I'll look back on all of this and have something to remember this time by.