Here's the thing

Life scares the crap out of me. This post is going to be a complete and random contradiction to the last but thats just how my mind works. 

There is so much happening in these past and next few months that I don't think I'm ready for. 

38 days from now, I will be graduating high school. I really don't know how I feel about that. I guess its sorta bittersweet. I want so badly to be out of school, and to leave the immaturity and everything else that comes along with high school. But am I ready? Am I mature enough to be out of high school? Do I even honestly know what I want to do with my life. Lately I've played it off like I've got everything all figured out, but I don't. I don't think I ever will, or really, that I'm ever supposed to. But I do need to know what the next step is. I'm pretty sure it will be Catalyst. But therein lies tons of other issues. #1 is that my parents don't want me to go. They don't really believe that being in ministry is an important thing, it also doesn't make much money. But really, I don't care about making money. Ask anyone and they will tell you that I hate money, which I will get into on a later date, but nonetheless, I want to go to Catalyst because I want to learn more, I want to feel secure in my knowledge about God, and I want to lead other kids who are in the same boat as me. I don't know for sure if I want to be a pastor later on or if I want to be a well educated leader, but I've got time to decide. #2 is I really feel like i need to move out of my parent's house. They don't support me, they've only consented to paying for Catalyst because it is substantially cheaper than Cal State Fullerton (who never even sent a rejection letter, they just forgot about me or something), They continuously tell me that I am ruining my life and that I will never be successful. They rate success on money, I rate it on happiness. We don't see eye to eye, and they can't handle that. Anyways, if I move out, will they pay? probably not. If I move out, it will be more out of spite than anything. I don't think that will work too well. 

I'm 18. That means so much, yet so little at the same time. Life is coming up fast. I don't think I'm ready for that.