For The Best?

I keep feeling like I've screwed up. And I really wish I didn't. 

Everyone says it was for the better, but I keep feeling like i gave up. 

Like there was something I was supposed to be holding out for. 

Maybe something more, maybe something big. I often over think EVERYTHING. 

So this isn't really a surprise to me. 

But the over thinking thing usually doesn't last almost a month and a half.

So maybe God is telling me to look back, and to go back? 

NO!? 

It was a really painful experience, at the end. 

Wait, maybe cause it wasn't supposed to end? Ah. No. It was. 

But. Nah. Nevermind. 

It was more like "a really painful experience TOWARDS the end"

Have you ever felt like you have to redo something, or like you didn't do something right

or like this..at all?

Can I ever make up for that?

The past just never really seems to go away. Especially the parts that you want to leave the most. I think that is because those parts of your life have shaped so much of what you are today, no matter how hard or regrettable they were. Those feelings that randomly present themselves, all the times you reference back to it, all the people who ask you about it, its all part of the big process of learning from it and moving on. But thats what makes it so hard. 

All of my old friends are graduating tomorrow, I want to go, I want to be there to support them because, I still love them. They were a HUUUUGE part of my life. But they don't want me there. They don't want me to "suddenly" care so much about them. They're still a little mad that I "left" them, which, is understandable, but it gets in the way of my life. I wish I would have still been friends with them. But I love my friends now sooo much, maybe even more than them, only because they have loved me more than my old friends did, they're just generally more loving people, that is, of course all due to the fact that they know and follow Jesus. But I won't get into that. 

I want to talk to them, I want to tell them about all the things that have changed in my life, I want to find out all the things that have changed in theirs. I want to cry with them over the fact that our life is finally beginning, I want to know if they still have the same plans they had, I don't. I want to know how they are, how they were, and that I'm sorry. There are soooo many people I need to talk to. Sooo many people I left on bad terms, because I didn't know how to deal with my problems, so I ran away. Can I ever make up for that?