Being 18

SUCKS! This time in my life is such an awkward time. There's so much to do, but I don't feel like I have enough time. I know exactly what i want to be when I "grow up" but I don't want to have to work towards it. I just want to skip all this in between time and be everything I want to become. I want to be a teacher, and I want to be a mom, more than anything. I know that neither of those will happen for me right now, well, I guess if i wanted it bad enough I could accomplish becoming a mom, but I'm gonna wait on that one. I want to meet "the one," and I want to fall in love, and I want to get married, and I want to live on my own, and I want to be older! I've wanted to be older for awhile, but never as much as I do right now. I'm graduating high school next week, I'm getting a job over summer, and I'm starting Catalyst in the fall. There's no more routine: wake up, go to school, get good grades. I have no idea what to expect. That scares me.

I know that Catalyst isn't going to be just a walk in the park, but I'm expecting it to be a lot different than high school. All I've done my entire life is go to school. I've never had a job for longer than 2 months, I've never done both work and school, I've never had the opportunity I have now. So much is about to change. That scares me! What if I mess it up? What if its not what I'm supposed to be doing with my life? What if Catalyst isn't what God had planned for me? All these questions have popped up this past week, I don't know if I'm just freaking out because its all becoming so real, or if I'm really supposed to question it.

Am I following God's plan? How do I know? I'm so afraid that I've already messed up so much that He's provided me, that I've become so off track its impossible to get back on track. I honestly don't know why I feel this way. That scares me. I've gone throughout most of high school with no apparent goals in mind for the future, i never knew that there was a plan for me to follow, I never considered it, and now that God has become a giant part of my life, I fear that I will mess it up and disappoint him.

I think I'm just freaking out because, like I said, I don't take kindly to change, and every thing's about to change.

life and dreams and such.

Recently, the following questions have been thrown on my plate:

What is the American Dream and what does it mean to you?

My answer follows this quote by James Turslow Adams, who actually coined the term in his book, Epic of America(1931):

"that dream of a land in which life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement. It is a difficult dream for the European upper classes to interpret adequately, and too many of us ourselves have grown weary and mistrustful of it. It is not a dream of motor cars and high wages merely, but a dream of social order in which each man and each woman shall be able to attain to the fullest stature of which they are innately capable, and be recognized by others for what they are, regardless of the fortuitous circumstances of birth or position."

I believe in that one hundred percent and, to be honest, I didn't even know that Adams coined the term, not until I searched it to see the name of the book that he wrote it in. That is exactly what the american dream means to me, to be successful based off of happiness, not status or money, and to help other people while I'm at it. 

I want to be involved in a church and an elementary teacher when i grow up, but, my greatest dream is to be a mother. I want to be happy, I don't want a huge house and fancy cars. I want a family filled with love and friends who support and love one another, I don't want to be a CEO or to marry a doctor or professional athlete, I want to marry somebody who's as into family and God as I am, maybe even more so. 

I want to teach others the beauty of life and love, I want to spread happiness. I want to teach the world to let go of materialism and to realize that money truly does not buy happiness, it never will. I want to make an impact on the people around me, and reach out to those in need of a positive influence.  

My dreams are simple ones, and one may argue that I'm taking the easy way out, but I honestly don't believe so. Yeah, the jobs I've chosen don't require much schooling, and don't provide huge sums of money or status, but they are as challenging as any other. I want my life to be centered around family, which may be the hardest job of all. Being a mother, as easy as it may seem to the ones on the outside looking in, is hard. I don't have personal experience to back that claim up, but I have spend a giant chunk of my life babysitting, and that in itself is a challenge. Motherhood is a 24-hour job that doesn't receive a salary, one that you can't quit (no matter how hard you try), one that you can't ever completely take a vacation from, one that you cant get promoted in, but one that has rewards that last a lifetime, literally. 

I can't wait.  

Faith

My faith gets tested so much it seems, but then I remember that I asked God to give me tests and to throw trouble at me to check me. It has definitely worked. I am more strong than ever before now, but I have to wonder, will it ever stop? It seems like its one thing after another pushing my life out of good and on to crazy. I know I will never live without any struggle or trouble, but does it have to be so frequent? I get about a week of good in, then something goes wrong. 

Its never been so hard to keep faith and hope, but its also never been so easy. Its a complicated thing, and I don't know exactly how to explain it, but God never leaves us on our own. I've got someone to go to with everything that happens, I've actually got tons of people I can go to, I'm not the only one going through these struggles, and I'm not the only one who feels this way. Its hard to think of others when you're so wrapped up in your life, but God has made that so easy on me. He's given me strength and hope and more love than I can possibly imagine, its great :)

I'm in love.

God has put soo many amazing people in my life. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such great friends. I can't believe my life is in the place that it is right now, I never ever imagined it would be this way, but now, I can't imagine life without anyone I know right now. You guys have been there for me through so much, I can only pray that I can be there for you too. I'm so in love with my life right now, it doesn't even matter what crap goes on, you guys have made everything so much better! I'm so excited to see what the future brings for all of us, I know its gonna be something big :] If you're reading this, I love you, you mean so much to me! you don't even know. 

Woah.

I got a new devotional bible on Monday and started the year of devotions right then and there, I was going to read them every morning, I was excited to start. I didn't know how quickly they'd become so eye opening. 

The next day, I woke up suuper depressed and stressed out about everything. I thought the only way to fix it was to break up with Aaron, so I did, I didn't really want to, but it had to happen. Little did I know, the devotion was on loneliness, I found that out last night when I finally looked at it. 

I felt God pretty much yelling at me at that point, I haven't been putting enough of my focus on him. I don't know what would have been different if I had just woken up and done my devotion Tuesday morning and pushed off all the other stuff was going through my mind.  We probably would have still broken up, but it would have been a bit easier. Even if I would have caught up on it later on in the day, I would have been able to sleep better that night. 

God needs to come first in  my life, I don't know why that is so hard for me. 

change

I've been so resistant to all of the change happening. I think thats why my life is so crazy right now. Everything is changing, and I keep trying to stay the same, but it all caught up to me. There's nowhere for me to go but forward, and the only way I can do that is to accept the change. 

All too often I've tried to talk things out with people in hopes of making things go back to the way they were, but what I've just realized is that it will never happen. I was so excited for the future, and now its here and I don't like what I see. I talked to my parents about everything I've been feeling and that didn't go over too well because I wasn't getting the results I wanted, so I shut down again. That happens all the time lately, I shut down and push everything out when I'm not hearing what I want to hear. 

Things have rocked my world lately; relationships, school, church, family, everything. I became so unhealthy because I tried to shut everything out. I ate junk food constantly, I slept more than I ever needed to, I stopped going to some classes, I gave up. I thought talking everything out and making things go back to how they were would help,  but thats not how things work. Everyone kept telling me that nothing will ever go back to exactly how they were, I was going to have to deal with the change, but of course, thats not what I wanted to hear, so I shut it out. 

I'm so sorry, you all were right. I became so wrapped up in the past that it was even harder to accept the change. I think I've finally accepted it, somewhat. I've learned to go with the flow, and let things happen. I was so bitter towards everything. 

I was upset that Daniel left the church, and when I heard that Chris Kretzu was leaving, I became even more upset. I felt the change coming on, and I knew it was going to be hard. I wish I would have realized this a lot earlier. I started to become more attached to other people, and when even the slightest thing changed between us, I became upset. I'm too dependent on people, I need to focus on being more dependent on God. I think I'm getting there. 

Every church service I've been to has talked about either acceptance or becoming dependent on God, or both, everything I've needed to hear. I think I knew at the time that it was stuff I needed to hear, but, again, I didn't want to listen. I took tons on notes though, I knew I needed it. 

Everything is going to continue to change, and I think I will be more accepting to it, we'll see. 

I think that's become my motto: "we'll see" I was talking to Adam today, and he gave me so much hope for the future, I just need to get through this rough patch. 

jealousy

For whatever reason, I was jealous of everybody for everything. For their looks, their relationships, their parents, everything! I had a big issue trying to get over it as well. Everything seemed so perfect for everyone else. 

I prayed about it, Daniel did a message about it, I eventually got over it, sorta. Things kept getting better. Things I was jealous of, became mine. Things I always wanted, I got. I praised God for everything, He was really the only one who knew exactly what I wanted, and He gave it to me. 

But then things got weird again, and nothing was really working out how they should have. People I was jealous of just kept getting better and better, and now, I'm still jealous of them.  I pray all the time for everything to work out and I have faith that it will, I know it will, my only question is when?! Every time I think things are getting better, they turn themselves right back around. I don't know if there is something I'm doing thats making it turn around or if its just one test after another. I continue to praise God when things are bad and I'm learning more and more to go to Him for everything, but everything lately has left me wondering if this is how its going to be. Because if it is, I'm done. 

I honestly believe that God is telling me to hold on to everything right now. He's given me faith and strength in it all, He's stopped me from giving up countless times. Its only the beginning of life to come, sometimes thats the best thing about life, other times its the worst. Either way, I just pray that everything can go back to how it was when I was jealous of ME, because if I'm going to be jealous of anyone, I want to be jealous of me, I don't want to be jealous of others, I find that rude and disrespectful towards the both of us. Maybe jealousy won't ever go away, and thats the only way I can think of dealing with it. If I focus on the good, its easier to find reasons to be jealous of me, if I focus on what I have instead of what someone else has, I can be jealous of that, I guess. 

Jealousy is something I've always faced. I've recently thought of turning it around, and I think its worked, but there is just so much that God has in store for everybody around me, its hard to focus on what He has in store for me. I guess thats the draw back of being such a people person.