Being 18

SUCKS! This time in my life is such an awkward time. There's so much to do, but I don't feel like I have enough time. I know exactly what i want to be when I "grow up" but I don't want to have to work towards it. I just want to skip all this in between time and be everything I want to become. I want to be a teacher, and I want to be a mom, more than anything. I know that neither of those will happen for me right now, well, I guess if i wanted it bad enough I could accomplish becoming a mom, but I'm gonna wait on that one. I want to meet "the one," and I want to fall in love, and I want to get married, and I want to live on my own, and I want to be older! I've wanted to be older for awhile, but never as much as I do right now. I'm graduating high school next week, I'm getting a job over summer, and I'm starting Catalyst in the fall. There's no more routine: wake up, go to school, get good grades. I have no idea what to expect. That scares me.

I know that Catalyst isn't going to be just a walk in the park, but I'm expecting it to be a lot different than high school. All I've done my entire life is go to school. I've never had a job for longer than 2 months, I've never done both work and school, I've never had the opportunity I have now. So much is about to change. That scares me! What if I mess it up? What if its not what I'm supposed to be doing with my life? What if Catalyst isn't what God had planned for me? All these questions have popped up this past week, I don't know if I'm just freaking out because its all becoming so real, or if I'm really supposed to question it.

Am I following God's plan? How do I know? I'm so afraid that I've already messed up so much that He's provided me, that I've become so off track its impossible to get back on track. I honestly don't know why I feel this way. That scares me. I've gone throughout most of high school with no apparent goals in mind for the future, i never knew that there was a plan for me to follow, I never considered it, and now that God has become a giant part of my life, I fear that I will mess it up and disappoint him.

I think I'm just freaking out because, like I said, I don't take kindly to change, and every thing's about to change.