change

I've been so resistant to all of the change happening. I think thats why my life is so crazy right now. Everything is changing, and I keep trying to stay the same, but it all caught up to me. There's nowhere for me to go but forward, and the only way I can do that is to accept the change. 

All too often I've tried to talk things out with people in hopes of making things go back to the way they were, but what I've just realized is that it will never happen. I was so excited for the future, and now its here and I don't like what I see. I talked to my parents about everything I've been feeling and that didn't go over too well because I wasn't getting the results I wanted, so I shut down again. That happens all the time lately, I shut down and push everything out when I'm not hearing what I want to hear. 

Things have rocked my world lately; relationships, school, church, family, everything. I became so unhealthy because I tried to shut everything out. I ate junk food constantly, I slept more than I ever needed to, I stopped going to some classes, I gave up. I thought talking everything out and making things go back to how they were would help,  but thats not how things work. Everyone kept telling me that nothing will ever go back to exactly how they were, I was going to have to deal with the change, but of course, thats not what I wanted to hear, so I shut it out. 

I'm so sorry, you all were right. I became so wrapped up in the past that it was even harder to accept the change. I think I've finally accepted it, somewhat. I've learned to go with the flow, and let things happen. I was so bitter towards everything. 

I was upset that Daniel left the church, and when I heard that Chris Kretzu was leaving, I became even more upset. I felt the change coming on, and I knew it was going to be hard. I wish I would have realized this a lot earlier. I started to become more attached to other people, and when even the slightest thing changed between us, I became upset. I'm too dependent on people, I need to focus on being more dependent on God. I think I'm getting there. 

Every church service I've been to has talked about either acceptance or becoming dependent on God, or both, everything I've needed to hear. I think I knew at the time that it was stuff I needed to hear, but, again, I didn't want to listen. I took tons on notes though, I knew I needed it. 

Everything is going to continue to change, and I think I will be more accepting to it, we'll see. 

I think that's become my motto: "we'll see" I was talking to Adam today, and he gave me so much hope for the future, I just need to get through this rough patch.