Content

I am content with life. Its true.

I am peaceful with almost everything that happens. I am calm and collected in moments that I would have flown off the handle had they happened last week.

I am totally fine being single, I am good with not living on campus, I am okay with not having any money, everything is good.

I don't need a boyfriend, I don't need a guy to text me all day, I don't need somebody to hang out with on Friday and Saturday nights, I don't need that. Everybody is looking for that right now, and I fell into it a bit, but I've realized that I don't even really want it.

As much or a lie as that may seem, its true. As much as I seem to "need" a man, I know that I don't.

I already wake up everyday with a good attitude, I don't need somebody to tell me I look good. I already end the day on a good note, I don't need to kiss anybody goodnight. My phone dies by 3pm even when I don't use it at all, I certainly don't need to text all day. I don't need a boyfriend. I don't want a boyfriend.

Now, I don't think I'm going to go a year without boys, but I'm not sure that I'm supposed to either. I don't think I spend enough time figuring out if that's really what God wants for me, or if this is what He wants for me. For me to just realize that I can go without somebody and I can just wait for whatever He wants to happen, to happen.

There are still guys that I am attracted to, and maybe within time, that will pan out, maybe not, who cares? I'm done focusing on it, I'm done putting all my energy into it. I can't control it any more now then I could before, so I'm not going to try.

I looove my bed. It's glorious. And while tempurpedic mattress pads do wonders for dorm beds, those are still only twin sized beds, and mine is a queen, thus giving me tons of room to move around, have 2 body pillows, and be comfortable. I am totally fine with not living on campus. I pretty much live there for free whenever I want, so its nice to have that option, and I am always there, but I can always come home to my bed, and even though I definitely still can when I do live on campus, my parents might start to wonder why they're spending tons of money for me to sleep at their house..

I am down to only a $75 debt! Yay!! I will have that paid off after two weeks of working. But I'm not working for the next three weeks because the kids are off track. Well, then I guess I will have that paid off in 5 weeks. Still better then nothing. Once I've paid off my debt I'm going to continue signing my checks over to my mom until I have paid her an extra $200 which she will save for me until I open up a new bank account at Altura, my long lost love. Hopefully having money in the bank before I even have a bank will help me with keeping the money in said bank. No more overdraft fees for me! (BTW, Altura only charges $30 for overdraft and they don't have the extended overdraft fee. yay!)

Life is good! <3

I don't want to get off this ride

If there is one thing I have learned this week, its that I really need to let things come in due time.

I'm conforming to the world's standards and expectations that everything has to happen now, because if it doesn't, it may not happen at all.

But it will.

It will happen when God wants it to happen.

There is a reason it's only November and not January, therefore inhibiting me from living on campus at present; and there is a reason I did not move on campus in September.

There is a reason I'm only eighteen.

There is a reason Tuesday comes after Monday and that Wednesday does not occur more often during the week.

There is a reason that I am who I am, I feel what I feel, I think what I think, and I want what I want.

But I need to let all that pan out when the time is most appropriate; and there is no way for me to know when that will be.

So I am, once again, giving everything up to God:

Hold me, my wants, my needs, my hopes, and my flaws.

Help me to know that everything is going to be fine;

and inspire me to enjoy this journey.

I don't want to get off this ride, I just want out of the cramped middle seat and in another seat that will allow me to see the beauty of everything I am riding through.

Discouragement and happenstance are teaming up against me.

This whole one year without boys thing sucks-just sayin'

But really, it does.

I seem to be extremely attracted to somebody, and I can't do anything about it. But I want to, and I have (yes, I broke the rules), and it was glorious. But I did it because he seems to be interested, and I don't want to lose that, so I had to play my hand before the time ran out.

Discouragement.

I was updating that blog and he walked by, and I just so happened to look out the window at the same time.

Happenstance.

Second thoughts are flooding my mind. But I know I need to stay strong. Maybe.

I read Chris Kretzu's comment on one of my posts and it really motivated me and helped me through it. But this discouragement still creeps at the back of my mind, and the levees have failed and allowed it to engulf my thoughts. The journey has finally proven to be a tough task. I knew it was coming, but I didn't think it would come so soon.

Plainly Stated.

Call me weird, or call me a cheap date, (I prefer the latter) but this much is true:

1. I don't like flowers, to be honest I prefer sticks, plants, or leaves that you picked up off the ground for me.

2. I don't celebrate Valentines Day, and I never will. Its commercialized and dumb. I believe that we don't need a special day to remind ourselves to love each other, we should be doing that every day. And I also believe that love is NOT shown by buying someone a card, teddy bear or chocolates (or all of the above).

3. I love surprises, absolutely, positively, love them.

4. I don't want an expensive, million carat diamond engagement, or wedding, ring. I want something simple and nice, I'll probably end up getting it dirty eventually anyways. I want something practical.

5. I want to be proposed to in front of a ton of people. Not anything too extravagantly planned out, just a simple, "I love you..blah, blah, blah...will you marry me" in front of an entire restaurant or church or whatever.

6. If you insist on buying me something, make it something that you saw randomly and it made you think of me, not something you went out and looked for cause you thought I'd like it. I hate when people buy stuff for me, but if it counts for something like that, then who am I to stop you?

7. No I don't want to text you all day, every day, but I would like to talk to you for at least part of the day, every day.

8. Yes, I would like to see you every day, if possible.

9. I believe that talking things out is the way to go, so I'm going to do all within my power to talk things out when they need to be talked about. Don't get annoyed, that's just how I do things.

10. Don't talk about the future. As much as it seems like I like to talk about the future, I don't. I need to stay in the present, otherwise I go crazy, so just don't do it. Live in the now, and the future will come and go, and we won't even notice.

Maybe I am weird, but I don't believe that love can be bought, I believe that it is something so deep, so beautiful and so amazing that it simply cannot be described. I hate the standards that the world has put on love. I want to break them all.

Love is not about going all out on Valentines day, or buying flowers, or sex. Love is about having a deep, transparent connection with somebody else, about knowing them like nobody on this earth knows them. Love is about the most amazing friendship any of us will ever have.

I want that kind of love. The kind of love that does not let the world dictate how it is shown, the kind of love that does not conform to the way others love. I want a love that is pure, and beautiful and that is based on me and him, inside and out; not one that is based on what

"typical people" typically like. I want a love that isn't afraid to show its true colors for all the world to see.

I miss you.

I miss you. I do. I miss my friends, I miss the way things use to be, I miss JFK.

I miss it all.

I love my life now, I absolutely adore everybody I've met at Cal Baptist, and I couldn't ask for a better job.

But I miss you guys. I've not replaced any of you, because I love you, you're a HUGE part of my life, you've helped make me who I am.

The real world, its tricky I guess.

OneyearwithoutBOYS

I've started a project.

I'm going a year without boys

check it out

oneyearwithoutBOYS.blogspot.com

Freeway

As I was sitting on the freeway this morning, I decided to take a look around. This is an account of the thoughts that went through my head..cause there was nothing else to do considering we were stopped.

A freeway is a weird thing-

It is a huge slab on cement on which we drive these huge metal contraptions.

It is a spot laid out and specified for only that use.

Trees were taken down and natural land was covered by a plethora of concrete.

Awesome? I'm not sure...

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy and fully understand the purpose of a car and roads for it to go on, but the reality of the fact that these things have overrun our lives is just astounding.

We are so controlled by it. We are so confined by it. We are so dependent on it.

Yes, it makes more sense to this modern world, yes I love being able to get to the place I want to be within 30 minutes, yes I love that I don't have to spend my day within walking distance- but is it a waste? Maybe there are better things we can be putting on our earth?

I don't know. I'm not quite sure what my point is here, but I just think its weird that we've laid out sections of concrete on which we maneuver giant chunks of metal and that gets us to where we want to be.

This world will never cease to amaze me. And I guess I am easily amazed.

Anybody feel me?

College

I feel like Chris Kretzu right now because I'm sitting, eating and browsing. and I've been here for well over an hour. How do you do it Chris? I'm starting to get bored. Maybe thats why you write so many blogs.

Anyways, as stated above, I'm sitting. What I didn't tell you is that I'm sitting in the cafe of CBU. Which means, I am in college, or, at least, on a college campus. But I really am in college, as much as I will ever be; and that is weird.

I don't feel like I'm in college. I don't feel old enough; there are like, 24 year olds here, and I go to school with them? no way! hah. Things are definitely different here. There are no bells telling us when to go to class, I can sit and do nothing for like, ever while people are in class and not have to be in class, because I don't have class.

Maybe it is setting in. If so, can I stay in college forever? Cause I really like this.

A Letter,

from the bottom of my heart:  

Dear Bank Of America,  

Despite the fact that I am a mere eighteen years of age, and a female at that, I am not as naive as you may think, I take good care of my checking account. I keep a written record of all my transactions, receive texts of my current balance daily, and follow online banking quite regularly, yet you show me a record different than what I have from all three sources (which all line up quite nicely, believe it or not).  

I would like to say thank you for your endless support on this issue, but really, you've not helped at all. May I remind you that when I called to get this straight and put in the secret code to speak to a representative, your automated system hung up on me. May I also state that the woman I spoke to today ignored my most important questions and walked away from me before I had fully understood the way you work. So much for your customer service ratings. I would just be absolutely astounded at this point if you actually told the truth once in awhile.  

I am sorry to say this (not really) but this just isn't working out for me. I may have found someone else, and I think it would be better if you just gave me my stuff back and we ended it now. Maybe one day we can be friends.  

Best Wishes,

Leanne.  

and you all wonder why I hate money!

Colorado, and all the little things it entails.

I've spent a great time of my life in Colorado, my dad's parents have lived out here since I was born and his brother and his girlfriend moved out here about 10 years ago (they've since gotten married and had a kid, so now his niece lives out here too). 

Most of the times that I've spent out here have been quite the enjoyable experience. Granted, I don't remember much from the early years, but from what I remember, said trips have always been good. 

Not until my cousin was born did I realize how much it bugs me being here. It may have something to do with the fact that I've grown in age and, arguably, maturity, or it may be that my aunts "better" side has come out with bearing a child. 

I'm trying to be the least bit judgmental here, but these people really do drive my up a wall at times. Within the last two years, I've spent time out here without my parents, and a few without my sister as well. My aunt and uncle already don't have any problem with sharing their opinions, no matter how offensive they may be, but with my parents absent, they're even more willing to do so. While being as nice as possible, I'm going to be blunt-their very narrow minded, dramatic, stubborn and selfish, and they don't care what anybody else thinks. I guess the nicest way to explain them would be "hard to deal with" so I'll stick with that. 

In the past year and a half that I've been involved heavily with church, they've been even harder to deal with. You see, they're very anti-religion; and believe me, they've made that VERY clear. I'm broken about it every day, but I realize that they've been given the freedom to make their own choices and that their choice has been made. I respect that, I never talk about it, I never make any connections to anything about it, I never bring it up in any way, whatsoever, ever. 

They never fail to bring it up though.. 

Over AIM not too long ago, I mentioned to my uncle that I was going to CBU, cause, well, I thought he would like to know what's going on in his niece's life. Buuut his response was.. "damn well dont be trying to convert us or any of that shit" Well, thanks for the enthusiasm and support, uncle. 

This current trip has been quite manageable, God has been with me, helping me to stay peaceful and helping to silence the judgements that usually would pop into my head at any given moment, so that has been good. Tonight my sister and I decided that we would spend as much time as we could with them before we left, and that we would spend the night at their house rather than at our grandma's. 

Turns out to not have been the best idea. I much rather prefer my Grandma's going to bed at 8pm and having the entire night left to do pretty much..nothing. We were all sitting watching TV, I had helped bathe the baby and read a story to her and left my aunt to finish the process of putting her to sleep, and everything was good. Until something about Sarah Palin came up.. how this connects is weird..i know. My aunt said

"Watch out for those people who use God for their own needs"

And my uncle quickly pointed at me.

I replied with, 

"Alright, I haven't said anything about it!!"

Which was met with,

"Yeah but the second you do, I will kick your ass!" from my uncle. 

And then he and my aunt sat there and lectured me on how stupid I was for "buying into it." 

Then, Thank You God, my uncle got a work call that he had to take, and my aunt's brother called her. 

But I was broken, and of course, I couldn't show them that it had affected me so, so I went to the bathroom and cried, and texted my mom and Bri. They both had encouraging words, and Bri sent me a prayer that she had said for me, and I was able to pull myself back together. It bugs me to no end that they can't have the respect to support their family in what each INDIVIDUAL choses to do. I respect their choices, why can't they respect mine. Back to the issue I have each time I can't understand something. Lame. 

I pray every night that somehow, God will soften their hearts. That they will come to see the Truth, or at least that Jessica, their daughter will be shown sometime in her life. And that if she is, and if she choses to follow Him, that they have the respect to let her do so. If you could join me in that, I would greatly appreciate it. I need all the help I can get. 

P.S. I'm in the bathroom right now to write this, because my uncle was reading my Facebook posts, so I didn't want to chance it, he'd just sit and lecture me some more. So here this is, to you, from me-while I sit on the toilet. 

Relationships, namely such with the opposite sex and God's funny little things with those.

Relating with the opposite sex has always been something I've struggled with. I've never done it "right." All too often I've confused lust with love and all too often I've acted upon that. I've also tried filling myself with the approval I occasionally got from guys, rather than the approval I always get from God. 

Lately I've done a better job of differing the two feelings, and not acting upon the lustful ones. I've been praying for God to not only fill me with Him, but also to bring me my one true love. Most of my friends are in relationships that seem to be ones that will last, ones that are God willed. And they're all so flippin cute ;p. But sometimes, especially when I'm around them, I feel alone. 

Sooo, I prayed and still do pray for Him to bring me a companion, and whilst praying, I am assured that he will come, and I am urged to keep my faith strong (Isaiah 7:9!!). 

When a certain handsome fellow started to show interest in me, I was stoked! I mean, he was suuper cute and I knew him from church, uh, score? I guess not. I had asked my friend to give him my number so we could start texting, cause thats what us teenagers do nowadays, and she did. I anxiously awaited his text, and it came, but so did an amazingly strong sense from God. I sat in that moment, not even yet had I replied to his initial text, and I asked God what I was feeling. He said no. He urged me not to pursue it like I had originally thought I would. He basically said, 

"Just be friends."

"What the?! How long have I asked and waited for You to bring me someone? And here someone is and you're telling me no?! But, God, he's cute!"

"Be still, and know that I am God.... friends"

Mind you, that is not a simple conversation with Him, thats more like 800 different conversations all simplified into one three sentence tidbit. 

So I'm still waiting, I'm still praying, and I'm still hoping. I'm trying my best to let God bring him to me and to not go out looking for someone I think will do, which is proving to not be so easy for me, but I think I'm holding up well. 

He also gave me this scripture from Daniel 10:12

"Do not fear, for from the first day you set your heart to understand, and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard"

Okay :)

CBU

Most recently, I got accepted to California Baptist University. 

And I couldn't be more excited about that! 

To be honest, Cal Baptist was never really a thought during high school. I knew I wanted to be a teacher by jr. year, but I always figured I would go to Cal State Fullerton. I'd never felt called to do anything back then, it was always what I wanted to do that would be so. By the middle of senior year, I knew there was something bigger for me, and I had chosen to go to Catalyst School of Ministry (I would pursue teaching later on). Then I started feeling like I was being to narrow minded, and that I should get all my schooling out of the way as soon as possible so I could pursue my greater dreams, like, for instance, having a family. And thats when the thought of going to Cal State Fullerton came back up. But I wanted something more. 

I knew I felt called to Catalyst because I am supposed to be involved in youth ministry, I really do believe that I could do a lot there. I wasn't just going to give that up because I wanted to lessen my time in school and have a family. I knew there had to be some place that I could go that would combine both elements. I immediately thought of Vanguard, cause, well, its beautiful there, and its almost right on the beach. AWESOME! But its also $36,000/year. HAH! nope. 

Then my mom suggested Cal Baptist, but I was still stuck on Vanguard, we could take out loans..thats why they offer them! But I decided to check it out, only because they don't have an application deadline, and by this time it was late June. So I applied, I wrote the essay, and I submitted it online, after tons of hard work, bum web browsers, and some lovely words to safari >:/. My mom and I visited it not long after aaaaand I loved it. 

As soon as I walked on campus, I felt home. There was a step-ahead orientation for other new students going on while we were there and we were lucky enough to get the opportunity to tag along with the parents tour. Everyone was so accommodating; we even got to eat lunch for free! score. (plus the food is amazing! ;])

I talked to the lady at the front desk, my mom gave her all my transcripts and AP scores and whatever else, and she gave us the card for my counselor. 

Not long after, my counselor called me and told me that he'd received my application and that he still needed two letters of recommendation, one academic letter, and one character reference. The academic letter seemed to be the hardest part, but thanks to Facebook, and Mrs. Shaw, I got that one done quite quickly thanks Mrs. Shaw:). The character reference was thought to be easier, I asked my neighbor to do it the day I applied. Much to my dismay though, she never actually did it. Jon, my counselor called in July and said he was still awaiting that. Then I asked Daniel Martinez to do one and he did, thanks Dan:). 

Before CBU had even received the letter from Daniel, Jon called me and said that they'd decided to accept me! I'm sure after they got the letter, they became even more confident in their choice, but that was still waaaay awesome! 

I went to my own Step-ahead orientation with another group of new students three days later, and they opened it with prayer, I knew then, that I was where I was supposed to be.

I've never doubted that God wanted me to go there. 

I can't wait to start :)

It's been awhile

It's sure been a long time since I've written..like, almost a month!

aand for that, I'm terribly sorry. 

I'm not sure why I haven't written in awhile, perhaps its because I've been really busy moving south campus back to Main St., or cause I got a macbook :) and I've been messing with/personalizing it, or because I got accepted to Cal Baptist (finally) and I've been too busy getting that all handled, or because I am sitting in my grandmother's house in Colorado. I don't know, but I can say that I have been busy. 

I know there have been events that I have needed to write about, I just haven't had the time, or words at each moment to write about them. It takes awhile to understand what's happening sometimes. God's funny like that. He knows I don't like things I can't understand and that I will most definitely waste all my time researching and trying to fully understand and make right the issue at hand, so He strings me along, just to keep me interested, I guess. 

I'll touch base on each event sometime during this week, but for now, here's a table of contents:

1. CBU

2. Relationships, namely,such with the opposite sex and God's funny little things with those.

3. Colorado, and all the little things it entails.

4. Being 18-updated. 

5. The book I'm writing. 

Stay tuned, these topics will be hit upon quite soon :)

<3

I don't know who you are, 

I don't know when I will finally meet you, 

but as I looked up to the moon last night, 

I heard Jesus tell me that you were looking at it too, 

from wherever you are. 

I am now at peace with the idea of waiting. 

I know that you're out there,

I know you're waiting too<3

Myspace Bulletin Gone Awry [but in the most beautiful sense.]

Subject : just 

Body: 

wrote a novel. and it felt oh so good. I am in love with life, my friends, my Savior, and my family. Today has been the most emotionally straining day in awhile, but it has made me sure that God is even greater than I thought. He has blessed me with so much more than I could ever hope for. He has shown me true love in the most unlikely ways. He has given me patience to get through the trying times. He has made me believe that there truly is something bigger planned for me. When I begged him, on my knees, completely broken, crying out to Him to take me away, to bring me to Heaven, to allow me to be with who I though was the only one who still loved me, He kept me here, and I realized that there is no way I could have left this world. Although it sucks sometimes, we are all here for a reason, and that reason is so much bigger than we can grasp. I look back to that time 5 months ago and I see that I have already been shown a glimpse of what is in store for me. I have already experienced some reasons for my living on this earth. I have been shown part of the purpose of my life. God is the most selfless, understanding, loving person. He knows so much more that you may think. Pray to him, ask him for anything at all, and if He wills it, He will give it to you. But sometimes we ask him for things that He doesn't will, and we become angry when He doesn't deliver. But who ever said he didn't deliver? What He gives us may not be exactly what we ask for, but that's because He knows what your future will be, and everything He does for you is only to benefit you in the end. He gives you a different answer than you've been expecting and sometimes it takes awhile for us to find it. His timing may also be different than ours. When we ask for the love of our life to come tomorrow, but they don't show up for another few years. Thats because God knows what we will be going through, and he knows what we can handle in certain times and what we cant. He knows our maturity levels and our emotional tolerances and our moods at any given moment; He understands us way more than we ever will. I don't think I could have ever imagined that my life would be where it is right now, and thats the beauty of it all. We have no stinking idea, yet He knows absolutely every moment we will face. We are in good hands, and nothing will change that. I really wish that was easier to grasp. Sometimes we forget that everything is handled, and we freak out. We try to take things into our control and it doesn't work out the way we've planned, because, well, our plan may just be different than God's plan. We just need to learn how to let His plan win. We need to pray for him to line up our desires and plans with His will. This isn't the novel that I mentioned above, This well, I did not intend to write any of this, It just happened. I was just going to tell you about how great I think life is, but yaknow, it happens. I guess. haha I love you for reading through it all, and I hope it held some sort of meaning for you :)

Take me there..

I have always wanted to do the following, so lets do it! 

1. Drive to the airport, sit on the top of the car and watch the airplanes take off and land.

2. Run through park sprinklers at night. 

3. Soapy, giant slip and slide.

4. Hike up Skyline. 

5. Drive the length of PCH, and visit every beach along the way.

6. Vegas turnaround trip. 

7. OC fair.

8. Warped Tour (August 22nd)

9. Watch the sunrise. 

10. Sleep in sleeping bags in the backyard. 

11. Camp on the beach. 

12. Learn how to play guitar.

13. Giant water gun fight.

14. All nighter, out on the town. 

15. Drive to a new city, walk around shopping centers and meet new people. 

16. Go to Mexico.

17. Make random videos of random things/people.

I will think of more things, and I will update this list.

But in the mean time, we've got 17 options :)

Life.

Is beautiful!

Can you feel it? 

I'm sitting outside right now, the temperature is wonderful, the breeze is lovely, it smells like BBQ off in the distance. My neighbors are playing basketball with friends in their backyard, Dakota is sitting on the floor chewing on some bark, and I'm in love. 

God is so great, He's given us so much, most of which we bypass. Like this chair I'm sitting on, or the fact that my BBQ Island has a plug on it so my laptop will stay alive for longer than 5 minutes, the wireless internet, the breeze so its not too hot, Pandora radio so I can drown out the sound of my neighbor's vulgar comments (=/). 

Its all beautiful, well, not the vulgarity, but you know what I'm talking about. I get the chance to sit and have time like this, in weather like this. 

And this is just a small part of life, just about an hour in my day, the first day I've ever done this. 

How could I have missed such beauty before? I love it. 

With EVERYTHING!

Generate tonight was AMAZING. Truly and wonderfully awesome. Not only Generate, but the entire night. The entire thing that was Generate, and everything that happened after, all of it connected to the same thing, all of it meaning the world to my relationship with God.

Pastor Tony Wood was talking about the core of a "passionate world changer" (the series that they are doing is called 3000 Passionate World Changers). The core is not anything you do. It is not the serving you do, it is not the tithing you do, it is not even the evangelizing you do, all those things are vital to christianity, but they are not the very core of your relationship with God. The core of your relationship with God is: realizing how big God really is. Which is something that we cannot grasp. Its something we will never understand, but it is something that will make all our problems fade away. God is huuge! He is all knowing, He is life itself, He is INFINITE! Everything we have, He gave to us. Everything we see, He made, everything that has ever happened to anyone ever, He did. "God exists in a tension between nowhere and everywhere" said Tony. He is everything, and we need to realize that.
God doesn't need you. He won't take your suggestions, He won't ask for your advice. He knows everything already, why would He need that? God loves you, sooo much, He sent his only son to DIE for you. HE DIED FOR YOU! Yah, thats huge, and its freaking great and I love it, I do. But do I embrace it, do I live like I owe him my life?

Answer: NO. And he made that blatantly obvious to me awhile ago, but I didn't catch it.

Ready for this? And, yeah, I even wrote this in my notes.
Everything that happened between my ex-boyfriend and I, all the bad, all the good, all of it. That is how I am living my relationship with God. Although I am not innocent little me in this situation, I am him. I am the one who hurt. I am the one who gave up. I am the one who brought the downfall. Now for our story: Not long after the novelty of the relationship wore off, he became quite vague with me. He spoke only when spoken to, he gave me one word answers to the simple "how was your day" conversation starting questions, hindering the ability to carry on conversation with him. He was all the sudden "too busy" to hang out with me. We went from hanging out everyday to seeing each other at church on Sundays. It got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore. I was depressed for a week, and I decided that I wasn't going to live like that, I slept and ate too much and gained 10 pounds, which is big for me considering I don't retain weight for longer than 5 minutes. So I ended it, which made me more hurt because he didn't run after me, he didn't say "no, I will change, I'm sorry" he said "yeah, probably best" and left it at that. So I was depressed for another 2 weeks straight, I still have my moments and probably will for awhile. I don't understand why. Why did he stop talking to me, why did he not see that I was hurt, why doesn't he care.

And then it clicked.

That is exactly how I am treating God. When was the last time I read my bible without being told to turn to a certain verse during a service? When was the last time I sat alone with no distractions and talked to Him? When was the last time I spent any time with Him?
Its been too long. I should have known. I know how badly it felt to be treated that way. Why am I treating God that way? Where do I get off?
So I had my moment of feeling like a failure... Then the alter call, and the girl sitting next to me (someone i didn't know) committed her life to Christ! Like, obviously a ton of people do that every week, and I see them walk down to the front all the time, but never has the person been sharing an armrest with me! I was reminded of how forgiven I already was. Of how all He wanted was for me to say, "I'm sorry" and to change my ways (definitely a desire I can relate to). I was reminded in that moment about how strong God is. He doesn't give up, He never will, actually, He can't. He loves me so incredibly much, its just something He cannot even fathom doing. Then the band played the song "With Everything" with a whole drum line and all, it was great and it clicked again:

A relationship with God is a relationship with everything. A relationship that requires everything. A relationship that will give and has given, everything. A relationship to which I must give everything, especially now that I know how it feels to be in a relationship full of nothing.

After the service, I was out and about hanging out and talking with friends. A few times I was reminded of that past relationship, which, happens quite often, and brings me down every time, but I saw those reminders as simple hints to what I had just learned. They no longer made me confused and sad, but happy and somewhat..complete, for now I understand what that was all about. Life is not about any other person you encounter on this earth, its about God. Your relationship with him comes first, and if its not first, things will slowly unravel until you figure that out. (I sorta stole that idea from the book Captivating)
Tonight was an emotional roller coaster. The kind that you wait in line for forever and when you finally get on, it goes starts fast, and it ends even quicker. The kind that makes you want to throw up right after, but also the kind that you wait in line in fear not knowing what to expect, but when you get off, you have never felt so accomplished in your life, because you conquered it, and you've lived to tell.
:)

For The Best?

I keep feeling like I've screwed up. And I really wish I didn't. 

Everyone says it was for the better, but I keep feeling like i gave up. 

Like there was something I was supposed to be holding out for. 

Maybe something more, maybe something big. I often over think EVERYTHING. 

So this isn't really a surprise to me. 

But the over thinking thing usually doesn't last almost a month and a half.

So maybe God is telling me to look back, and to go back? 

NO!? 

It was a really painful experience, at the end. 

Wait, maybe cause it wasn't supposed to end? Ah. No. It was. 

But. Nah. Nevermind. 

It was more like "a really painful experience TOWARDS the end"

Have you ever felt like you have to redo something, or like you didn't do something right

or like this..at all?

Can I ever make up for that?

The past just never really seems to go away. Especially the parts that you want to leave the most. I think that is because those parts of your life have shaped so much of what you are today, no matter how hard or regrettable they were. Those feelings that randomly present themselves, all the times you reference back to it, all the people who ask you about it, its all part of the big process of learning from it and moving on. But thats what makes it so hard. 

All of my old friends are graduating tomorrow, I want to go, I want to be there to support them because, I still love them. They were a HUUUUGE part of my life. But they don't want me there. They don't want me to "suddenly" care so much about them. They're still a little mad that I "left" them, which, is understandable, but it gets in the way of my life. I wish I would have still been friends with them. But I love my friends now sooo much, maybe even more than them, only because they have loved me more than my old friends did, they're just generally more loving people, that is, of course all due to the fact that they know and follow Jesus. But I won't get into that. 

I want to talk to them, I want to tell them about all the things that have changed in my life, I want to find out all the things that have changed in theirs. I want to cry with them over the fact that our life is finally beginning, I want to know if they still have the same plans they had, I don't. I want to know how they are, how they were, and that I'm sorry. There are soooo many people I need to talk to. Sooo many people I left on bad terms, because I didn't know how to deal with my problems, so I ran away. Can I ever make up for that?

Being 18

SUCKS! This time in my life is such an awkward time. There's so much to do, but I don't feel like I have enough time. I know exactly what i want to be when I "grow up" but I don't want to have to work towards it. I just want to skip all this in between time and be everything I want to become. I want to be a teacher, and I want to be a mom, more than anything. I know that neither of those will happen for me right now, well, I guess if i wanted it bad enough I could accomplish becoming a mom, but I'm gonna wait on that one. I want to meet "the one," and I want to fall in love, and I want to get married, and I want to live on my own, and I want to be older! I've wanted to be older for awhile, but never as much as I do right now. I'm graduating high school next week, I'm getting a job over summer, and I'm starting Catalyst in the fall. There's no more routine: wake up, go to school, get good grades. I have no idea what to expect. That scares me.

I know that Catalyst isn't going to be just a walk in the park, but I'm expecting it to be a lot different than high school. All I've done my entire life is go to school. I've never had a job for longer than 2 months, I've never done both work and school, I've never had the opportunity I have now. So much is about to change. That scares me! What if I mess it up? What if its not what I'm supposed to be doing with my life? What if Catalyst isn't what God had planned for me? All these questions have popped up this past week, I don't know if I'm just freaking out because its all becoming so real, or if I'm really supposed to question it.

Am I following God's plan? How do I know? I'm so afraid that I've already messed up so much that He's provided me, that I've become so off track its impossible to get back on track. I honestly don't know why I feel this way. That scares me. I've gone throughout most of high school with no apparent goals in mind for the future, i never knew that there was a plan for me to follow, I never considered it, and now that God has become a giant part of my life, I fear that I will mess it up and disappoint him.

I think I'm just freaking out because, like I said, I don't take kindly to change, and every thing's about to change.

life and dreams and such.

Recently, the following questions have been thrown on my plate:

What is the American Dream and what does it mean to you?

My answer follows this quote by James Turslow Adams, who actually coined the term in his book, Epic of America(1931):

"that dream of a land in which life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement. It is a difficult dream for the European upper classes to interpret adequately, and too many of us ourselves have grown weary and mistrustful of it. It is not a dream of motor cars and high wages merely, but a dream of social order in which each man and each woman shall be able to attain to the fullest stature of which they are innately capable, and be recognized by others for what they are, regardless of the fortuitous circumstances of birth or position."

I believe in that one hundred percent and, to be honest, I didn't even know that Adams coined the term, not until I searched it to see the name of the book that he wrote it in. That is exactly what the american dream means to me, to be successful based off of happiness, not status or money, and to help other people while I'm at it. 

I want to be involved in a church and an elementary teacher when i grow up, but, my greatest dream is to be a mother. I want to be happy, I don't want a huge house and fancy cars. I want a family filled with love and friends who support and love one another, I don't want to be a CEO or to marry a doctor or professional athlete, I want to marry somebody who's as into family and God as I am, maybe even more so. 

I want to teach others the beauty of life and love, I want to spread happiness. I want to teach the world to let go of materialism and to realize that money truly does not buy happiness, it never will. I want to make an impact on the people around me, and reach out to those in need of a positive influence.  

My dreams are simple ones, and one may argue that I'm taking the easy way out, but I honestly don't believe so. Yeah, the jobs I've chosen don't require much schooling, and don't provide huge sums of money or status, but they are as challenging as any other. I want my life to be centered around family, which may be the hardest job of all. Being a mother, as easy as it may seem to the ones on the outside looking in, is hard. I don't have personal experience to back that claim up, but I have spend a giant chunk of my life babysitting, and that in itself is a challenge. Motherhood is a 24-hour job that doesn't receive a salary, one that you can't quit (no matter how hard you try), one that you can't ever completely take a vacation from, one that you cant get promoted in, but one that has rewards that last a lifetime, literally. 

I can't wait.  

Faith

My faith gets tested so much it seems, but then I remember that I asked God to give me tests and to throw trouble at me to check me. It has definitely worked. I am more strong than ever before now, but I have to wonder, will it ever stop? It seems like its one thing after another pushing my life out of good and on to crazy. I know I will never live without any struggle or trouble, but does it have to be so frequent? I get about a week of good in, then something goes wrong. 

Its never been so hard to keep faith and hope, but its also never been so easy. Its a complicated thing, and I don't know exactly how to explain it, but God never leaves us on our own. I've got someone to go to with everything that happens, I've actually got tons of people I can go to, I'm not the only one going through these struggles, and I'm not the only one who feels this way. Its hard to think of others when you're so wrapped up in your life, but God has made that so easy on me. He's given me strength and hope and more love than I can possibly imagine, its great :)

I'm in love.

God has put soo many amazing people in my life. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such great friends. I can't believe my life is in the place that it is right now, I never ever imagined it would be this way, but now, I can't imagine life without anyone I know right now. You guys have been there for me through so much, I can only pray that I can be there for you too. I'm so in love with my life right now, it doesn't even matter what crap goes on, you guys have made everything so much better! I'm so excited to see what the future brings for all of us, I know its gonna be something big :] If you're reading this, I love you, you mean so much to me! you don't even know. 

Woah.

I got a new devotional bible on Monday and started the year of devotions right then and there, I was going to read them every morning, I was excited to start. I didn't know how quickly they'd become so eye opening. 

The next day, I woke up suuper depressed and stressed out about everything. I thought the only way to fix it was to break up with Aaron, so I did, I didn't really want to, but it had to happen. Little did I know, the devotion was on loneliness, I found that out last night when I finally looked at it. 

I felt God pretty much yelling at me at that point, I haven't been putting enough of my focus on him. I don't know what would have been different if I had just woken up and done my devotion Tuesday morning and pushed off all the other stuff was going through my mind.  We probably would have still broken up, but it would have been a bit easier. Even if I would have caught up on it later on in the day, I would have been able to sleep better that night. 

God needs to come first in  my life, I don't know why that is so hard for me. 

change

I've been so resistant to all of the change happening. I think thats why my life is so crazy right now. Everything is changing, and I keep trying to stay the same, but it all caught up to me. There's nowhere for me to go but forward, and the only way I can do that is to accept the change. 

All too often I've tried to talk things out with people in hopes of making things go back to the way they were, but what I've just realized is that it will never happen. I was so excited for the future, and now its here and I don't like what I see. I talked to my parents about everything I've been feeling and that didn't go over too well because I wasn't getting the results I wanted, so I shut down again. That happens all the time lately, I shut down and push everything out when I'm not hearing what I want to hear. 

Things have rocked my world lately; relationships, school, church, family, everything. I became so unhealthy because I tried to shut everything out. I ate junk food constantly, I slept more than I ever needed to, I stopped going to some classes, I gave up. I thought talking everything out and making things go back to how they were would help,  but thats not how things work. Everyone kept telling me that nothing will ever go back to exactly how they were, I was going to have to deal with the change, but of course, thats not what I wanted to hear, so I shut it out. 

I'm so sorry, you all were right. I became so wrapped up in the past that it was even harder to accept the change. I think I've finally accepted it, somewhat. I've learned to go with the flow, and let things happen. I was so bitter towards everything. 

I was upset that Daniel left the church, and when I heard that Chris Kretzu was leaving, I became even more upset. I felt the change coming on, and I knew it was going to be hard. I wish I would have realized this a lot earlier. I started to become more attached to other people, and when even the slightest thing changed between us, I became upset. I'm too dependent on people, I need to focus on being more dependent on God. I think I'm getting there. 

Every church service I've been to has talked about either acceptance or becoming dependent on God, or both, everything I've needed to hear. I think I knew at the time that it was stuff I needed to hear, but, again, I didn't want to listen. I took tons on notes though, I knew I needed it. 

Everything is going to continue to change, and I think I will be more accepting to it, we'll see. 

I think that's become my motto: "we'll see" I was talking to Adam today, and he gave me so much hope for the future, I just need to get through this rough patch. 

jealousy

For whatever reason, I was jealous of everybody for everything. For their looks, their relationships, their parents, everything! I had a big issue trying to get over it as well. Everything seemed so perfect for everyone else. 

I prayed about it, Daniel did a message about it, I eventually got over it, sorta. Things kept getting better. Things I was jealous of, became mine. Things I always wanted, I got. I praised God for everything, He was really the only one who knew exactly what I wanted, and He gave it to me. 

But then things got weird again, and nothing was really working out how they should have. People I was jealous of just kept getting better and better, and now, I'm still jealous of them.  I pray all the time for everything to work out and I have faith that it will, I know it will, my only question is when?! Every time I think things are getting better, they turn themselves right back around. I don't know if there is something I'm doing thats making it turn around or if its just one test after another. I continue to praise God when things are bad and I'm learning more and more to go to Him for everything, but everything lately has left me wondering if this is how its going to be. Because if it is, I'm done. 

I honestly believe that God is telling me to hold on to everything right now. He's given me faith and strength in it all, He's stopped me from giving up countless times. Its only the beginning of life to come, sometimes thats the best thing about life, other times its the worst. Either way, I just pray that everything can go back to how it was when I was jealous of ME, because if I'm going to be jealous of anyone, I want to be jealous of me, I don't want to be jealous of others, I find that rude and disrespectful towards the both of us. Maybe jealousy won't ever go away, and thats the only way I can think of dealing with it. If I focus on the good, its easier to find reasons to be jealous of me, if I focus on what I have instead of what someone else has, I can be jealous of that, I guess. 

Jealousy is something I've always faced. I've recently thought of turning it around, and I think its worked, but there is just so much that God has in store for everybody around me, its hard to focus on what He has in store for me. I guess thats the draw back of being such a people person. 

The Brick.

This is an email that I just read that definitely made a huge impact on my life. Enjoy! 

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something... As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?' The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.' Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.' Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watch ed the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home. It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: 'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!' God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us.. It's our choice to listen or not. 

Thought for the Day:

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring.

He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!

God didn't promise days without pain, 

laughter without sorrow,sun without rain,

 but He did promise strength for the day, 

comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Selflessness (Pt. II)

I read an opinion article today in Newsweek entitled "I Won't Roll the Biological Dice"

here, you can read it if you want to-->http://www.newsweek.com/id/194589

If you don't want to read it, thats fine, I'm going to summarize it. Its about this older woman whose decided not to have kids, she's wanted kids, but she won't do it. Her two sister's died at ages 8 and 27 because of  life threatening diseases, diseases that were genetic. She said that when she got married she thought about having children, but she knew the facts... she had a 67% chance of passing on one of the diseases to her own child. She knew she couldn't be that selfish. 

This brings me to my neighbors, the Stacy's. They have 4 boys, three of which are completely "normal" one who cant even talk. Matthew must be around 4 or 5 now. last time I saw him he was 2, and he couldn't even sit up. He has a feeding tube, an IV and has to be carried around everywhere. He doesn't have the spine functionality to be able to sit in a wheelchair. Whatever has put him in this condition is a rare genetic disease, one which lies in BOTH of the parents gene pools. 

He is their third child. Their fourth, who is now around the age of 2, is fine. She's also pregnant again. I understand the want for a big family, I wish I was old enough to have a family all the time. I love kids, and can't wait until I can have my own, but I would never play the cards like they are. I believe that its selfish to the fullest extent. Putting a child in this world knowing that there is a high chance of it suffering its entire life is the worst thing a parent could do. The author of the article said so also. 

I don't know, maybe they don't read into the statistics too heavily, or maybe they haven't even thought about it. It sure does upset me though. 

The Baxter's

I'm at the Baxter's today, I got here right after Rachel got home from school and made Adam a grilled cheese before he got home from school, and then Rachel and I went up to clean her room and the spare room. We were in the spare room and she said "this is where you should live!" and I began to think about it, Rachel and I had been talking about me living with them for awhile, since my parents and I started disagreeing on everything. I thought more about it and if I did move here.. I would be living with my boyfriends sister's boyfriend, also known as one of my best friend's boyfriend. that would cause for some really weird thinking among outsiders. Its funny, but thats about it. But this family is so supportive, and encouraging, and loving, and amazing, I wouldn't mind living here at all. I just need to be able to keep my car and get a job, so I could pay my own way, for my necessities and food and whatnot. I wont live here and make them support me as well as their own children. 

There's my thoughts for the day. Preeeeetttty sweet. 

woah.

I've blogged a lot this month. 

Maybe this is becoming a trend for me? I don't mind. Anyways, If you haven't heard of Pandora radio, then this is for you. Pandora radio is an internet radio in which you can choose an artist and it will play songs by that artist and songs by other artists that sound like the one you picked. Its pretty sweet. Apparently its not new either; I definitely thought it was, Aaron showed it to me about a month ago but everybody else I talked to about it already knew about it. I am disappointed in them for not telling me about it, so I won't hold back and I will let you know. Go check it out!

www.pandora.com

the Jack Johnson station is one of my favorites:)

appreciative-ness

I think we all need to do a better job of letting each other know that we appreciate them. 
Maybe you don't know how or why you appreciate someone, but you kept them in your life for some reason, so just say "hey! I appreciate you" 
Eventually, if you look for it, you'll be able to give them an exact reason as to why. 




and if you're reading this, I appreciate you. Just for the simple fact that you cared enough, or were bored enough, to click the link and read my blog. Thanks! <3

Here's the thing

Life scares the crap out of me. This post is going to be a complete and random contradiction to the last but thats just how my mind works. 

There is so much happening in these past and next few months that I don't think I'm ready for. 

38 days from now, I will be graduating high school. I really don't know how I feel about that. I guess its sorta bittersweet. I want so badly to be out of school, and to leave the immaturity and everything else that comes along with high school. But am I ready? Am I mature enough to be out of high school? Do I even honestly know what I want to do with my life. Lately I've played it off like I've got everything all figured out, but I don't. I don't think I ever will, or really, that I'm ever supposed to. But I do need to know what the next step is. I'm pretty sure it will be Catalyst. But therein lies tons of other issues. #1 is that my parents don't want me to go. They don't really believe that being in ministry is an important thing, it also doesn't make much money. But really, I don't care about making money. Ask anyone and they will tell you that I hate money, which I will get into on a later date, but nonetheless, I want to go to Catalyst because I want to learn more, I want to feel secure in my knowledge about God, and I want to lead other kids who are in the same boat as me. I don't know for sure if I want to be a pastor later on or if I want to be a well educated leader, but I've got time to decide. #2 is I really feel like i need to move out of my parent's house. They don't support me, they've only consented to paying for Catalyst because it is substantially cheaper than Cal State Fullerton (who never even sent a rejection letter, they just forgot about me or something), They continuously tell me that I am ruining my life and that I will never be successful. They rate success on money, I rate it on happiness. We don't see eye to eye, and they can't handle that. Anyways, if I move out, will they pay? probably not. If I move out, it will be more out of spite than anything. I don't think that will work too well. 

I'm 18. That means so much, yet so little at the same time. Life is coming up fast. I don't think I'm ready for that. 

The best thing about life..

is that is has just begun. 

No matter how old you are, no matter how much time you think you've got left on the earth, no matter how much you try to disagree with that statement, its true. There is always a chance for a new beginning, always a chance to change who you've become, what you've done or how you've lived. Its called grace, or even more simply stated, a new day. Annie wasn't lying when she sang, "the sun will come up tomorrow." 

Its a crazy concept to grasp, trust me, I know, but dwelling on anything is not going to get you anywhere. Life happens, move on. I may be a little brash on this subject, but I hate dwelling in the past. I hate the past in general. Granted, it is what brought everyone to today, but everyone has their times in the past that they wish they would have done differently. Too many times people judge themselves and others on what happened in the past, and it hinders their future. 

Stop living in the past. Stop thinking about it. Stop judging others and yourselves because of it. There are things in my past that I wish I would have done differently, there are probably things in your past that I wish you had done differently, and you may or may not agree with me. I truly believe that everything we go through in life is purposeful. Everything you go through in life teaches you something. Its all preparation for the future. 

Start focusing on the future. Thats what matters most. There is only so much we can focus on and only so much we can handle at one time. Focus on the now and on the tomorrow. Always. 

Because the best thing about life is that it has just begun.